


Common Niches

by farthendur



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Abuse, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Bad Animal Jokes, Best Friends, Fluff, Humor, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Prostitution
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-06-08
Updated: 2015-10-21
Packaged: 2018-02-03 19:55:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 35,879
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1755677
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/farthendur/pseuds/farthendur
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>University AU where Baekhyun seems to have contracted homosexuality from Chanyeol because his world is suddenly upside down at the sight of Chen and his adorable uniform. However will the infamous Byun Baekhyun deal with his uncontrollable adoration for Jongdae…</p><p>niche (noun) - the functions and position of an organism within a community of plants and animals or an ecosystem</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Encounter

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first time I'm writing anything in the EXO fandom. I truly hope it's good enough and I can promise another installment within a week. Feedback would be great!! :]

A cool, pleasant breeze that dissipates the sizzling burn of the September sun on the skin glides through the leaves of the birches. The sun itself is almost directly overhead, bathing the world in a glow of joy and tranquility. The air smells of more than a few things – buttery popcorn, begging to melt in your mouth and stir up a craving for a cold, straight-out-of-the-cooler bottle of water; pink and green cotton candy swirling around a stick, warm, fluffy and waiting to make your tastebuds dance once you have finished your cup of chicken noodles, so fresh, tender and warm that they, too, deliquesce upon your tongue. There is, of course, the unmistakable aroma of countless animals from all over the world going about their daily routines in their enclosures, unknowingly preparing to entertain thousands of eyes. It’s an underlying smell that repulses many, but one that quickly settles inside your olfactory senses as natural, though clinging to your skin if you spend the whole of your days wrapped in it. Hay, mud, a little bit of poop, musk, and all the other components of the scent of _nature_. What makes this a truly perfect Saturday, however, is the crispness that overpowers all other scents in the air; a promise of purity and world peace.

Jongdae deems it a perfect day to educate children (and other interested visitors) about the wonders of Earth’s wildlife, to try to induce the same kind of fascination for the animal world that often leaves him breathless.

He is ridiculously cute in his khaki uniform, a standard one for educators at the Seoul Zoo: comfortable, rolled up at the knee shorts that emphasize the thighs but leave room for free movement, short sleeved button-down shirt with breast pockets (hiding tiny postcard-like rewards for the most clever visitors) that hugs the chest and reveals just enough of the arms, and a soft hat to complete the “African reserve ranger” look. The zoo’s emblem stands proud on one of the pockets. The hat doesn’t quite match Jongdae’s taste and, having worked at the zoo for two years now, he has the privilege of not wearing it.

 _Absolutely adorable,_ flashes through Baekhyun’s mind when he first lays his eyes on him. The thought makes a one-eighty turn, tires squeaking, and returns to the central stage to flare up like a neon sign and leave Baekhyun baffled. He tears his eyes from the cutie to quickly glance at Chanyeol. Is this telepathy? Has he been spending so much time with his best friend that he can now hear his very homosexual thoughts? Is it possible that when Chanyeol fell off his bed the other day, he hit his head so hard that he now has the ability to _emit transmissions_ of the gay?

His attention is drawn back to the boy when he hears an enchanting, flowing like honey voice. The voice is talking about…a macaque? Baekhyun doesn’t know what a macaque is, but he is more than ready to learn because the voice, full of excitement and warmth, doubtlessly belongs to the young man next to the colorful booth a mere ten meters in front of Baekhyun. He feels a warm surge wash over his insides, his eyes drinking in the sight with an alarming amount of admiration: a small, adorable man whose shins are beautifully defined, whose arms are rippled subtly, gently, whose fingers look delicate but skilled, whose hair seems soft and heavenly and is swept to the side from his forehead.

“Dibs,” Chanyeol says to him, leaning in and startling him, practically snatching him back to reality and— _fuck, this is weird._

Chanyeol doesn’t even expect the “you know what, I think I’ll let you have this one” retort from his straight but very funny friend anymore. He walks a pace ahead of Baekhyun and arrives at the educators’ stand a moment earlier. Baekhyun’s thoughts are in disarray. He watches Tiny Cutie (the name seems to fit the guy naturally in his mind, although he is just about Baekhyun’s size) hand a little boy a brochure of some sort and a lollipop with a warm smile. He straightens up then, his eyes flicking over Chanyeol, then Baekhyun, then back to Chanyeol who is already bowing and speaking.

“Hello. You were talking about macaques, right? I’ve always wanted to know more about them, but I think my friend and I got to your lecture a little late. Do you think you can start over?” a most sincere smile is perched on Chanyeol’s lips, his eyes are charmingly big.

Always wanted to—bullshit, god, what a cheesy bastard. Chanyeol’s earnest flirting used to annoy Baekhyun to the core of his existence when they were still in high school, but he’s almost fond of it now. The black haired boy picks up a colorful card from the table and flips it over in his hands, waiting to hear Know-it-all Kitten speak again. The table itself is almost fully covered in a large map of the zoo, stapled to the wooden surface. Brochures and cards and stickers of varying sizes, colors and design are placed in neat stacks in different parts of it – right over the places where the animals they are about were shown on the map, Baekhyun realizes. A bowl full of lollipops in simple wrappers stands in the corner. Next to it is a battered phone. Baekhyun wonders if Tiny Cutie put this together all by himself, if he spent his morning meticulously stacking the materials and revising the information in his head, brushing unruly hair strands out of his eyes, for Christ’s sake, Baekhyun, what is happening, who cares, Baekhyun, get your shit together.

On the other side of the ordeal, Jongdae is trying to appear friendly and knowledgeable but still show a bit of the reservation, the barrier that automatically rises when he sees someone between the ages of 12 and 25 approach him without a little kid in hand. Young people these days can be cruel and disgusting and he has no tolerance for any of them ruining a beautiful day like this. Those two, however, are both damn cute, so Jongdae can’t quite help the barrier crumbling.

He bows and smiles

_(wow the corners of his mouth..are naturally curved up aren’t they is this really happening)_

and gestures to the building behind him, “Well, macaques are a genus of monkeys that live in various parts of the world and you can see some species if you visit our monkey exhibit. Most people are here for the gorillas only, but I promise you that we have many other fascinating species in here too.” He pauses and takes a breath, preparing to try to spark the two guys’ attention with a little known fact, “What I was telling that boy about is the Japanese snow macaque which is a species that lives in the mountains of Japan. No primate lives further North than the snow macaque.”

Baekhyun and Chanyeol gasp, Chanyeol trying to appear particularly surprised. Jongdae’s nodding and looking for something on the table when something in Baekhyun’s mind clicks, something that has nothing to do with how his heart had skipped a few beats at the sight of Tiny Zookeeper Stud’s face softening when he was talking about the…the snow monkeys.

“They’re those monkeys with the really red faces, right?” he locks eyes with Animal-loving Adorableness Itself just as Chanyeol is about to say something stupid and cheesy. “The ones that go into those er, hot springs to keep warm in the winter?”

Baekhyun knows a thing or two. More comes back to him. Two or three years ago he had to spend two weeks of his summer break with a part of his family that he hadn’t really known very well until then. They were all annoying, ignorant, posh fucktards and Baekhyun hasn’t seen any of the since then. Except his cousin, Eun Sun, who was like, 10, at the time and who turned out to be as mischievous and bright as Baekhyun. She was really into animals, like in a surprisingly serious way, in that she not only had a yearly pass to the zoo, but also brought a stack of encyclopedias and DVDs she knew by heart with her wherever she went for more than a day. Baekhyun bonded with her and let her go on and on about all sorts of animal-related things. In fact, he found everything pretty interesting himself. Since then, he’s bought maybe three or four thick, hardcover encyclopedias with shiny pages and breathtaking illustrations; titles such as _Prehistoric Mammals_ or _Wildlife of the Americas_. He doesn’t have much time to read them, but flips through the glossy paper every now and then and stops to absorb a fun fact or ten.

Chanyeol, however, never pays much attention to the contents of Baekhyun’s few shelves, the least impressive fragment of his richly decorated dorm room. So now he’s eyeing him incredulously.

“Yeah, that’s correct,” Jongdae says, voice flowing towards Baekhyun’s ears in almost visible pastel waves. His face brightens up. He retrieves a brochure with a gorilla and another animal which Baekhyun recognizes as a lemur on the front, “Not many people know that. I might just have to give you a Clever Visitor reward card… Either way, you can read more about the snow macaques in here, along with stuff about other primates. I can tell you about them too, if you’d like, you can ask me anything, as well.”

Chanyeol flips the leaflet in his fingers, more than disinterested in it, and takes the opportunity while Baekhyun is snatching the brochure from him, “Well, then I’d ask you if you’d like to have lunch with us, Jongdae. Maybe? I mean, like a sort of a date with me, but Baekhyun will be there too? He’s nice though, it’s okay.”

Several things are happening at once at that point.

One, Bakehyun looks up in surprise – not because of the way Chanyeol phrased his offer, but because he called Cutie McSoftFace Jongdae which must be his name, but how could Chan—ah, it’s embroidered on his shirt (in white, right atop the pocket), what a nice name.

Two, Chanyeol is fiddling with the hem of his shirt and smiling at Jongdae all wide-eyed and hopeful and charming.

Three, Jongdae’s mind has to jump between thoughts very quickly because he sees an endearing confused puppy look on the face of the dark haired boy whose name is, apparently, Baekhyun, but then he also has to react and respond to the tall red-haired…he kinda resembles a puppy too, Jongdae quickly concludes. Lunch always sounds good and the possibility that the lanky guy might offer to pay is also appealing, since Jongdae’s wallet has been very thin lately. It probably won’t work out with him, since he’s not quite Jongdae’s type, but then again, it’s really time to start getting over Tao because their friendship has been really good these past few weeks and

“Yeah, uh, sure. That’d be nice,” Jongdae smiles. “But my lunch break isn’t for another hour, so… You can hang out here, if you’d like? I can bore you with animal facts. Or you can…do something else, whatever you’d like, and meet me back here at 1?”

“Tell us more about monkeys,” Baekhyun quips, shuddering involuntarily when Jongdae meets his eyes again. He doesn’t miss the glance Chanyeol throws him again because he’s well aware that he isn’t being the best wing man at all at the moment. Chanyeol, however, can only be thankful, he is getting to spend time with Mister Dreamy Too-Tiny-for-a-Park-Ranger Jongdae. Jongdae. _Jongdae._

Chaneyol is quick to recover, “Yeah, we’d love to hear more. We’re here to learn, after all,” He offers a hand, “I’m Chanyeol.”

Jongdae smiles again. Baekhyun watches the corners of his mouth disappear into delightful dimples. Jongdae takes Chanyeol’s hand, “I’m Jongdae. As you already noticed. You’re Baekhyun, yeah?”

Baekhyun is startled, frozen for a moment in a way that _never_ happens to him. He grasps Jongdae’s warm, soft hand and bows lightly. He feels himself blushing and he doesn’t know why he’s blushing. This is kind of like when—

“What would you like me to talk about?” Jongdae asks, then tries to peer behind Chanyeol’s arm. “Ah, and we have some more people eager to learn.”

Chanyeol shifts to let two children, twin boys that barely reach his waist, walk up to the table. The one on the right is all quick glances and touches, exploring everything already, whereas the other hangs back a bit and watches Jongdae who turns to Chanyeol again:

“Did you come here today with anything specific in mind? My specialty is wildlife of East Asia’s forests and mountains, but I can talk about other things as well,” he’s crossed his hands behind his back now, smiling charmingly. Baekhyun watches the breeze gently scattering the hair on the side of his head.

“Uhh, we—“ Chanyeol is throwing him wide eyed glances for help, “we came mostly to just look around, but—“

“Monkeys, monkeys. Let’s talk more about monkeys. Can you give us a tour of the, the monkey building later?” Baekhyun gestures towards the building behind Jongdae, the brochure still open in his hand. Somehow, an adorable smile, one reserved for flirt or messing with Chanyeol, so charming it infiltrates your defense mechanisms and implants the belief (which is not all that incorrect)  that Baekhyun is the most lovable creature on Earth, works its way to his lips. He doesn’t even notice. He is engrossed in the way the features of Jongdae’s face flow from countenance to countenance.

“Well, there are people who work in the monkey exhibit and can be much more helpful than me about the details.”

“We want you to do it though. I mean, we met you first and you’ve been more than helpful so far, so…” Chanyeol likes the idea, apparently. He, much like Baekhyun, isn’t sure of what exactly is going on, but he would love to watch Jongdae’s eyes sparkle and his delicate fingers point and gesture as he talks for hours. He also suspects that his behind would be quite the sight in those shorts too.

Jongdae’s eyes jump between them, not quite minding the kid who has already pulled a coloring page for himself and is trying to reach the case of pencils/crayons/whatever drawing materials Jongdae could find in the research center this morning.

“I guess I could do that. I _am_ an educator and a guide, after all, I need to do my job to the best of my ability,” he grins. There’s something he likes about those two. “Let me start by telling you what species we have in there first…”

The surprises just have no end. As Jongdae lists different kinds of primates with a fact or two for each and Chanyeol nods, trying hard to not only appear interested, but also _feel_ that way, Baekhyun keeps interrupting. He asks smart-ass questions which actually make a lot of sense and he adds to what Jongdae says with remarkable precision, sounding like Wikipedia. He stirs the topic towards habitats and conservation, even citing statistics, and Chanyeol is staring all but open-mouthed as Jongdae beams with crinkles by his eyes and a gleam to his gaze while talking, explaining, conversing more with Baekhyun than anybody else, especially not the several kids lined around the table with coloring utensils. All the while, Baekhyuns’ adorable, slightly devilish smile stands.

Some time later, they head towards the monkey exhibit. Jongdae left a carefully written sign that he is giving a tour on the table and made sure that all brochure stacks had makeshift paperweights. Yet another one colorful brochure rustles between Baekhyun’s fingers. Several more – one about big cats, one about the conservation of the giant panda, one about bears, one about this, one about that, Chanyeol lost track – stick from the back pocket of his black jeans. The short stick of an organic blueberry lollipop is sticking out from between his lips. Chanyeol was right about one thing, though: Jongdae’s ass does look gorgeous in his khaki shorts. Another point to Jongdae that, Baekhyun notes to his baffled self, makes him fit the definition of adorable.

“Asshole, stop trying to ruin this, are you on your period or something?” Chanyeol elbows him as they follow Jongdae. Stupid Byun Baekhyun and his bottomless bag of ways to sabotage Chanyeol’s attempts at a mildly successful life.

Baekhyun gives a curt shake of his head and only throws him a lost look, as though he’s seeing him for the first time.

Time flies when you’re looking at funny, in Chanyeol’s case, and  fascinating, in Baekhyun and Jongdae’s case, animals such as the world’s smallest monkey, the Pygmy marmoset, and especially when you’re listening to the magical flow of Jongdae’s knowledgeable voice. Because Baekhyun is still being an enormous puzzling son of a dick, Chanyeol tries to up his game and reads the information signs in front of each enclosure before trying to formulate deep questions that will get Jongdae to launch a long explanation with that “keep the kids’ attention” intonation. Still, when they’re in front of the gorillas Baekhyun is first to press himself to Jongdae’s arm and gasp and marvel at the huge black creatures with his stupid whiny voice and the zoo employee doesn’t seem to mind at all, instead naming the individual gorillas and ranting about the way the zoo cares for them, and if Chanyeol wasn’t so enchanted by the phenomenally cute baby gorilla right in front of the glass and it’s cute black leathery fingers and large nostrils and its gorgeous but also very menacing parent, he would be pulling Baekhyun’s douchebag heterosexual ear right off.

One positive experience in the monkey exhibit is them learning that Jongdae designed all the brochures himself. He tells them a bit about how he finds inspiration when Chanyeol voices Baekhyun’s wonder at the innovative, complex but easy to assimilate, plain pretty structure of the materials, with the illustrations flowing into each other and the text being really pretty and the drawings being eye-catching, adorable (like Jongdae himself). Everything is designed with enough playfulness to captivate the younger visitors, but the text bubbles seem to be beckoning your eyes, feeding you the most important and interesting facts, then pointing you to a larger read somewhere on the brochure. It’s so impressive that Baekhyun spills a long sentence of compliments about it that has Jongdae blushing and smiling an embarrassed smile that looks more worried than anything.

The exhibit itself is quite remarkable, renovated completely just last year, as  Jongdae explains. It carries a very organic feeling, mainly because of the light colored wood everywhere and the hay strewn in the corners and, of course, in the enclosures. A spiral staircase leads to the smaller second floor where you can watch the animals from above and also engage with numerous interactive stations of information. The construction is big and round and Baekhyun feels tingles shooting through his fingers to his toes seeing how well Jongdae knows his way around it, how professional he is with everything, how he seems to be right in his natural habitat. Baekhyun wishes he was part of Jongdae’s natural habitat.

Baekhyun is still dazed and confused when Jongdae leads him and Chanyeol past the enclosure of a huge grizzly bear and the bird exhibits, to a quaint little shop with many tables on the grass, already occupied by families. He is, however, self-aware enough to notice another…strand of something wavering inside his mind too. It’s…a very pure and focused admiration, for Jongdae that is, different to the one that keeps clouding his thoughts with notions of how breathtaking Jongdae looks when the sun hits his face from the side, or when his smile is a small one and you can just see how the corners of his mouth really are upturned in a permanent statement of good-nature. It has to do with the way Baekhyun got to thread so deep in this field that he is truly interested in and about which he’s had no one to talk to, which he hasn’t realized he wants to talk about before. The way Jongdae’s eyes follow him with a surprised kind of respect. He feels a tingle, doubtlessly sparked by Jongdae’s shared excitement, prompting him to sprint to his dorm room and cover the floor in encyclopedias and bury himself in everything and anything he hasn’t read yet and then sprint to the nearest bookstore and spend an ungodly amount of money on more and more hardcover books about animals and also drag Jongdae with him because Jongdae would know what it’s all about.

As they wait for Jongdae to bring the food (which Chanyeol paid for, but Jongdae is waiting on because he’d get premium treatment), Chanyeol shoves Baekhyun repeatedly and showers him with threats and that’s what gets Baekhyun to sort of snap out it…whatever “it” is. Jongdae settles down in a chair after Chanyeol’s courteously helped him with the plates. Baekhyun turns off the irresistible charming act. It felt wrong anyway, like even at his best he must look stupid, immature, ridiculous to Jongdae. He sinks in confusion. The feeling of confusion over what the hell he was just feeling, what

_(was that flirting?? he was flirting?? successf—why??)_

the fuck he was thinking, is coated in even more confusion by a very pleasant tinge of happiness at getting to talk about something so freely and receiving an equally passionate response. To top it off, now Chanyeol’s talking to Jongdae about things and flirting with him and still, every time Jongdae looks at Baekhyun, Baekhyun feels a very suspicious, very troubling blush conquer his face.

Baekhyun remains awfully quiet.

“Hold on! Hold on, hold on, I think I’ve seen you on campus!” Chanyeol drops his chopsticks and claps his hands when Jongdae explains that he is studying graphic design. “Yes! I’ve seen you at the pool! ”

Jongdae is very surprised and Baekhyun’s pretty sure something is hatching in his stomach at the sight. Turns out that they do go to the same university.

“We have friends that are doing graphic design, Luhan and Sehun! Aah, how come I’ve never heard of you from them! I knew you looked familiar!” Chanyeol is very excited at the prospect of possibly getting to see Jongdae every day. Baekhyun would’ve added “how come Sehun hasn’t gotten his big perverted eyes on you?”.

“Oh, I know Luhan! Well, some of my friends call me Chen, so perhaps that’s why? Or maybe he just hasn’t mentioned me.”

Eating with Jongdae is a golden experience, mainly because everything he does seems so adorable that Baekhyun is almost panicking, but also because Chanyeol has a way of making people feel very comfortable. As it turns out, Jongdae has several versions of his laugh. They ring in Baekhyun’s ears often and Baekhyun’s even thankful to Chanyeol, despite the ball of super-bother in his chest.

They walk Jongdae back to his post, deciding to come back another day for the rest of the zoo (the fact that Jongdae will be begged to be their guide is undoubted). Baekhyun is almost set on telling Chanyeol about his bizarre and very

_(heartwarmingintoxicatingotherworldly)_

nauseating telepathic episode.

“So,” Chanyeol leans in slightly with eyes as big as tea plates and a smile Baekhyun probably wouldn’t have been able to resist if he had just met him, “wanna do this again some time?”

“Yeah, I’ll see you in school,” Jongdae says without missing a beat. He finishes sorting through the brochures and hands one to Baekhyun (they briefly talked about parrots on their way to lunch and Jongdae promised Baekhyun a brochure about them). He smiles goodbye.

“Bye, Chen,” Baekhyun surprises himself, voice flat. If things were normal, if he wasn’t being subjected to Chanyeol’s horrific gay transmissions, he would have asked for another lollipop and grabbed a handful. He would have already started to mess with Chanyeol about his little crush.

“Bye!”

 


	2. Secondary Succession

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> secondary succession- the second type of ecological succession where the ecosystem recovers from a disaster (such as a fire) which has destroyed plant life, but has left the soil intact

“Oh my god,” Junmyeon spits, eyes narrow and dark, cast in the direction of Sehun’s lanky form moving between the tables, “he looks so fucking _pampered_ ‘n _bratty_. I wanna bend him over and fuck him senseless.”

Chanyeol and Baekhyun freeze. Minseok almost drops his tray onto the table. Chanyeol’s eyes are as wide as saucepans. He looks genuinely scared and even Baekhyun’s jaw drops. Baekhyun meets his friends’ stunned gazes, then blinks and leans forward, trying to get a better view of Junmyeon’s face past his profile.

Junmyeon positively looks like one of the most hopeless patients of a mental institution: his overall pallor is reaching extreme might-just-be-dead levels, and his bleached hair helps ease the impression not a bit, matted to his head at places and sticking out in dying strands in others; his eyes are bloodshot and hooded, fenced by dark circles above small sickly-ruddy stains on his cheeks; his lips are parched and chewed through, as are his nails, if you could see them where they are shaking inside the sleeves of his huge hoodie. His shoulders are slumped in defeat, a final touch to the result of weeks of relentless pressure – the final year of the architecture degree is a hell, in the beginning at least, putting the students’ knowledge and skills to grilling tests through long-term projects. On top of that, Junmyeon is the director of an upcoming university musical (which Baekhyun is part of, too) that is way too early in the year in order for the participants to be able to prepare properly. On his shoulders he bears the unimaginable burden of an infinitely good heart, the soul of a hopeless romantic, and the self-appointed responsibility of acting as a guardian angel to all who are dear to his heart. And his infatuation with Sehun.

Everybody’s trying to be easy on Junmyeon because they know about what he’s going through. They don’t know all about how he feels suspended above an enormous garbage disposal, hanging only by the thread of his last will and motivation; about how all of his nerves feel, figuratively, bared and excruciatingly sensitive – how he’s hurting all over physically, too, from sheer exhaustion. About the times when he is staring at the smooth yellowish paper of his project, pencil clutched between his fingers so hard that it’s leaving a deep crescent into his digit, and he feels utterly unable to figure out a single way to continue, he finds his head achingly empty and he panics and feels like he is freefalling into the abyss of his own mind, the disappointment of those around him quickly catching up. About the nights when he collapses in bed, desperate for some sweet rest, and he shuts his eyes to the comforting sound of Kyungsoo’s deep breathing and then he suddenly can’t, he _can’t._ His muscles keep clenching on their own, despite his constant attempts to relax into the mattress; there’s a tight, dense bundle of _things_ in the middle of his chest and he lays in bed, eyes shut tightly, not knowing what to do in order to fall asleep, until cold sweat all but breaks out on his forehead and somehow soothes him into a slumber that is way too deep to grant any relief. Or about the times when he feels so silly and small because Sehun is right there on the other side of the table, smiling at him, at him and everybody else, and licking his lips and causing Junmyeon’s heart to pound in his ears and remind him that some things in this world are divine.

They don’t know all about that, but they know enough, from Junmyeon himself and from Kyungsoo. So they’re all gentle whenever they remember to be, even Baekhyun.

“Hyung, are you—“

“Oh, fucking brilliant…” Junmyeon flings his plate away, lasagna spilling on the dirty surface of the table.

Between the tables, a few paces away, Sehun has stopped. Junmyeon saw Jongin catching up to him and reaching for his elbow, his touch fascinatingly gentle. Sehun turned. The moment he saw Jongin, the features of his face softened into a smile of relief and affection and Jongin beamed. They leaned in without words, kissed tenderly, slowly, comfortingly. The kind of kiss that makes you look away because it’s just so intimate. As the kiss ends, only their lips part, their foreheads touch. They are seeing each other for the first time in four days. Sehun takes a deep breath and closes his eyes in infinite alleviation and Jongin laughs loudly and wraps his arms around his best friend. His…boyfriend, and other titles too. Confidant, silly rabbit, that kind of stuff.

Luhan shoves Minseok aside to quickly drop his bag on the table, then rushes to Junmyeon. He leans on the table, hand immediately going to rub light curves on his back.

“Hey,” he murmurs, softly getting Junmyeon to look at him, “Let’s take this outside? Help me pick a sandwich and let’s sit by the fountain?”

Baekhyun, Chanyeol and Minseok watch as Junmyeon’s head dips to Luhan’s shoulder before the two get up and leave without a word. The three of them are left with a strained feeling because things seem a little too seriously wrong.

“Jongdae! Hey!” Chanyeol calls a little later, waving at a wavy-haired boy who, Baekhyun’s discovered, looks just as adorable in a simple t-shirt and fitted jeans as he does in his zoo uniform. But Baekhyun just has an eye for fashion and, largely due to Chanyeol’s constant presence in his life, can appreciate male beauty, so that’s okay.

Jongdae heads their way, a large plate in his hands, and Baekhyun smiles. Jongdae’s joined them for lunch a few times now. His introduction to their little circle was smooth – he seemed to attract everybody’s affection naturally. Even Junmyeon cracked a drunk (and a bit frightening) smile.

☀ ☀ ☀

As soon as they are on the other side of the zoo’s spiky, ornate fences and Jongdae is well out of sight, Baekhyun realizes that the curtain is down now. He can see things much more clearly now that he’s able to shrug off the immediate enigmatic effects of Jongdae’s presence.

“I could see the two of you married,” he chirps, with an unexpected difficulty which he hopes will remain unnoticed.

Chanyeol laughs, “Aah, I’d have to propose in a barn or something.” His voice is a wee quieter then, “Nah, I don’t think it’s gonna work out. He didn’t seem like…I don’t think he’s interested.”

Baekhyun throws his hands up, “Well, if you say so. I don’t know how your gay vibes work, so I can’t tell you if you might be taking it up the ass soon!”

Chanyeol shoves him and laughs and they stroll towards the subway station and Chanyeol tucks a disheartened sigh into himself.

☀ ☀ ☀

When they get home, Baekhyun lies down with the sole purpose of thinking for the first time in his life – much like an assassin who is about to go complete the biggest hit of their life stands in their loft and brings out all their weapons, lays down all the big and small guns, knives and grenades and lasers and tasers and blueprints on the table, to devise the best plan of action.

The only difference is that Baekhyun has stuffed his ears with his emergency earplugs and is trying to clear out the air chutes of his mind – in other words, think about what the fuck happened at the zoo – while Chanyeol throws his failed attempt at his most recent Calculus homework into the cheap little basketball hoop hanging on their door and hums in a deep annoyed voice. For the first time in his life Baekhyun is met with an experience so profound that he feels the need and takes the conscious decision not to let it get sorted out on its own, but instead examines it – and not with a small amount of sincerity. It’s completely uncharacteristic and if Chanyeol knew it was happening right behind his back, he would probably have a full-blown deep-voiced freak out, what with everything else Baekhyun has thrown his way already that day.

Maybe it is Baekhyun maturing. Even I, as an omniscient narrator, cannot be sure of that.

He tries to think about everything altogether at the same time, but what stands out is his confusion, so he lets his thoughts take a direction of their choice. The feeling was _good_. What feeling? All the feelings. You know, the sensations. Talking to Jongdae, talking to Jongdae about animals, listening to Jongdae, being around Jongdae. It’s difficult staying on track with his analysis because on the screen of his closed eyelids his consciousness is tirelessly projecting memories of Chen in great detail, so great that it’s almost impossible for them to be actual memories. Baekhyun catches his mind drifting to how soft Chen’s lips looked, how defined his small shins were, how he looked like the most adorable garden gnome you could ever see.

He reels his thoughts back in and ignores this part of his thinking session. In the end, he decides that the whole thing with the warm tingles and the heart beat and the affection whatever was something very weird, but good. Had it happened not that long ago, he probably would have discarded the experience and deliberately not paid Jongdae any more attention. But Chen just seems like such a cool little person, Baekhyun has a feeling that he’s very playful and bright, and besides, he shares Baekhyun’s interest in the animal world and its workings on a whole different level. So that’s good. He feels eager to have a new friend and to continue exploring that connection he feels with him, even though it’s also a bit scary for some reason. And the whole deal with how soft Chen’s skin seems and how attractively the two rings on his fingers look is just admiration.

From then on, everything just…starts happening _so much._ And it’s weird and new, to some, and familiar but still weird to others, and just so confusing, but also really nice. And there’s only one occasion where it becomes sort of apparent, but that occasion is quickly dismissed and forgotten, what with all the excellent acting, so you can see why things are just so confusing.

He starts bumping into Chen around campus, having little chats with him here and there, Chanyeol present most of the time. Chen has lunch with them often and they learn a lot about each other.

Jongdae finds out that Baekhyun is pursuing music, hoping to be able to grace huge audiences with his phenomenal voice one day. Chanyeol is studying computer engineering, but is into music a lot too. The friendship between the two goes back years and is based largely on their love for music and mischief. Jongdae feels himself easily opening up to both of them, comfortable enough to let his devilish side shine too. Chanyeol’s quite gay and a very sincere, good-natured soul, whereas Baekhyun likes having people of all genders around his finger, but only takes girls home, and is polite and thoughtful. The three of them are as thick as maple syrup by the end of October. Jongdae and Baekhyun are more like a special concoction which has some streaks that make it weirdly thicker than syrup, but are also phobic towards that syrup, so they’re constantly trying to remove themselves.

☀ ☀ ☀

Two weeks after they first meet Jongdae, Chanyeol and Baekhyun wake up late. They spend half an hour talking from their beds, their voices hoarse with sleep. When Baekhyun dozes off again, Chanyeol throws a sock he finds by his bed at him and repeats his question: Saturday is do-something-fun day and the weather seems nice, what should they do. Baekhyun thinks for a moment and before Chanyeol throws a slipper at him, inconspicuously offers that they visit the zoo again.

 

“Ya, what’s that over there?” Baekhyun nods towards a square shop ahead of them, not far from the zoo’s entrance. Its walls are painted in a soothing sky blue and the windows are rimmed with pink. _Sweet Bites_ reads the squiggly sign above the entrance.

“Is that a candy shop?”

“I think it is,” Baekhyun is already headed in the direction of the store.

“Ah, how come we didn’t see it last time?”

“Cause you’re an idiot.”

“Careful how you talk to me or I’m not buying you anything.”

“You’re as poor as a church mouse anyways.”

The store is not as spacious on the inside as it looks from the outside, mostly because of the towering shelves, heavy with jars and packages and stacks of wrapped goodies. A wall splits the building in two sections – one for the freshly made, you-better-eat-me-on-the-spot-or-I’ll-either-melt-all-over-your-clothes-or-get-tougher-than-excalibur, the other for things you can take home.

They get a box full of different kinds of soft cookies and another with gummy candy.

Baekhyun is already pulling in a large green lizard when Chanyeol elbows him, “Should we get Jongdae something? I don’t know what he likes though.”

“He looks like the kind of person that would like cupcakes, I think,” Baekhyun replies.

Just as the lady behind the counter is printing out their zoo tickets, Chanyeol gets an epiphany.

“Baekhyun, what if Jongdae isn’t at work today? Ah, we didn’t ask him…”

“He was at work on a Saturday last time, chances are he will be here today too,” Baekhyun shrugs, leafing through a WWF pamphlet. Chances are Chen is _definitely_ working today and Baekhyun knows that because he pays attention when Chen talks. God, it’s like he’s better at this homosexuality thing than Chanyeol himself.

Before they left for the zoo, Baekhyun made a deal with himself: no weird stuff, only spontaneity. As soon as his searching eyes land on Chen, the deal is irreversibly broken. Smiling by his table, Chen is wearing a snapback backwards. It does magic for his already stunning face because it makes his features remarkably manlier, somehow sharper, chiseled even. His glorious smile is lighting up his whole face as he kneels by the table to help a little girl out. Add that to the adorable uniform which seems somehow fitter on his slim body and Baekhyun feels like his breath has been knocked out of his chest.

☀ ☀ ☀

 “Is it gonna spit on me?” Baekhyun asks, approaching the enclosure cautiously.

Chen’s laugh rings out, “That’s an alpaca, Baekhyun.”

“Ah, are you sure?” Baekhyun smiles sheepishly, stepping next to Chen who is pointing at the info sign. Chanyeol returns, having thrown away the empty candy boxes.

Jongdae loved the cupcakes, just like Baekhyun had predicted; curiously enough, he even said they’re one of his favorite things from _Sweet Bites_ , just like Baekhyun had thought. When they got to his booth, he’d let a loud _he-heey!_ , happy to see them, and he’d hugged them both. This time, there was a plastic cup with a mango smoothie on his table and the lollipops were bright green. He didn’t need any convincing to be their guide for the day. They spent a lot of time around the bird enclosures, as the weekend is dedicated to Korean avian fauna. There were several interactive electronic posts where you could flip through images and information on a large screen and Baekhyun was amazed by the graphics. Chen excitedly showed him which ones are his doing. The exhibit of the White Heron was, of course, central to the themed events, and Jongdae joined his colleagues at an educational booth to help them out. Baekhyun tingled whole, watching him lecture the guests all professionally excited and hot. Still, it seemed that the time spent with Chen helped a great deal ease Baekhyun’s admiration and he managed to act fairly normal, save for a few stammers or particularly charming comments.

“Do they eat peanuts? Should I give them some?” Chanyeol turns to Jongdae, opening a bag he bought from a booth near Jongdae’s.

“Noo, no, no, don’t do that,” Jongdae is quick to clamp his hand over Chanyeol’s which is already bringing out a handful of nuts.

“What, they don’t like peanuts?” Chanyeol is confused.

Chen laughs, “They don’t, as far as I know, but that’s not the point. You can’t feed zoo animals, it’s forbidden.”

“Yeah, Chanyeol, don’t give the animals nuts or Chen will kick you in yours,” Baekhyun pipes in.

“Ah, but why is it forbidden? That’s not fair!”

“You shouldn’t give any sort of wildlife food that was made for people, not even out in the woods or something. And even if you bring food that’s made specifically by the zoo’s standards, you still can’t give it to the animals. They’re on strict diets and the zookeepers keep track of what, how much and when they eat, so you can’t mess that up.”

Chanyeol is nodding understandingly, intent on keeping the peanuts to himself now.

“There’s signs everywhere saying that it’s forbidden, Chanyeol, you really need to get your eyes checked,” Baekhyun reaches into the bag of nuts.

“Some of the bunnies have diabetes because people feed them all sorts of stuff. That’s why they had to move them to a more contained enclosure. We know you mean well, but…” Jongdae waves them over to the next enclosure.

They have lunch together again later and it’s wonderful to see Chen much more comfortable this time, all smiles and exclaims.

“Ya, I’m so glad that you guys came today!” he says and Baekhyun aww’s in response while Chanyeol replies that it’s their pleasure.

The rest of the day is as sunny as Baekhyun feels on the inside. By the time Chanyeol nags them to go back to the gorillas, he is overflowing with a special kind of joy. He and Chen continue chattering happily in the own little world, gasping and swooning at the animals even as Chanyeol starts chatting up a lean guy with a warm smile who is wearing a uniform similar to Jongdae’s.

☀ ☀ ☀

Throughout the next weeks, up until the first snowfall of the year, and later too, Baekhyun visits the zoo on his own often. It’s not that he plans his visits, you know. I mean, he does plan some of them, those that include Chanyeol who’s gone out on two dates with Jihoon so far and thinks it’s fun to bug him at his workplace. But more often than not, Baekhyun swings by that candy wonderland to renew his and Chanyeol’s stash of sweets and then decides that he has time so he might as well see how Chen’s doing. It would be inappropriate of us discuss the jauntiness in his step when he is on his way to the zoo entrance.

The first few times they spend more time alone, Baekhyun really can’t help himself with anything. He’s thrilled to be with Chen but also to be sharing his passion for living critters with someone. He acts bubbly and fizzy and a bit awkward, talking a little too much and smiling a little too much every now and then and he’s so caught up in Chen’s charm that he doesn’t even notice. Chen finds it particularly endearing. At times, they look like two adorable 10 year old gnomes skipping along the zoo’s alleys.

During this time the friendship between the two grows and their bond strengthens. They both start noticing each other’s little habits more and more, and not with little concern on both parts: the adorable way Baekhyun’s lips purse often when he talks, or Chen’s signature indignant yelps and fast speech. Fondness outweighs worry. They revel in each other’s company and often forget themselves in front of this enclosure or that (one time Jongdae even gets in trouble).

“It’s just this…this being right there…” Chen begins with a smile that manages to look rueful but is just an expression of his admiration. They’re watching the tapirs, kneeling by the glass. One of the animals is sleeping, sprawled in the hay like a sack of fat and the other is wobbling around on its stubby legs, chewing on something, “…and it’s a living thing like you and me and it’s like…it’s got its own agenda and it’s just existing right over there…”

“You gonna cry, Chenchen?” Baekhyun teases, dropping to his knees carefully, minding his expensive jeans.

Chen laughs and smacks Baekhyun’s arm. He continues, “Don’t be like that. Just look at them. They’re living things like us, but they’re _so_ different and they’ve got their own way of dealing with everything…their own little minds…”

“Probably not so little. Probably bigger than a lot of people’s.”

“Look at it though! Don’t you feel like it shouldn’t exist? I mean…it looks to me more like it would fit better with the dinosaurs…”

“I really want a dog. I miss my cat.”

“Have you seen Jongin’s kids? They’re great.”

They watch the tapirs silently for longer than you would expect. The situation repeats at different times with different animals and it’s a beautiful source of happiness for both. One time Baekhyun is a small forlorn figure staring into the tigers’ enclosure and Chen has just visited the restroom and when he returns, he wraps his arms around Baekhyun from behind and shakes them a little, for the purpose of shared warmth and affection. Baekhyun freezes whole for a few long moments, then all but melts, before forcing himself to shrug off the weirdness.

For almost every visit, Baekhyun brings Chen cupcakes or yakwa, which he’s learned is another favorite of Chen’s. Sometimes when Baekhyun comes by closer to closing time, the two leave together and visit _Sweet Bites_ together, slowly making sure that they’re both at a serious risk of diabetes.

Another time, Jongdae sneaks Baekhyun in the maintenance area of the ostriches. The two are determined to pet one of the kinder birds – Jongdae knows how to appease them. He warns Baekhyun to be careful and not mess with the animals, but Baekhyun, true to his nature, listens with half an ear only. They get a few birds to approach the metal fence within a hand’s reach.

Jongdae shows Baekhyun how to hold out his palm with food pellets. One of the ostriches is, apparently, more domestic than the others and will eat out of your hand, so they decide to try. The bird is surprisingly careful when picking up the food and Baekhyun and Chen are elated. They take turns feeding the bird for a bit, while it makes its characteristic guttural ‘ooh-ooh-oooooh’ sounds when they’re getting more food.

“Come on, let’s go, that’s enough, let’s not overfeed it,” Jongdae says, brushing the crumbs off his hands and heading for the gate.

“I’m sorry, Mister Ostrich, I can’t give you anymore,” Baekhyun apologizes and bows to the bird which is significantly taller than him. It continues expanding its fluffy-looking neck and making its deep sounds. Baekhyun brushes his hands together, “Ah, stop doing that, Mister Ostrich, don’t whine, I can’t give you anymore.”

He dismisses the bird with a wave. Just as he is turning, the ostrich’s head shoots forward and its beak latches onto Baekhyun’s shirt. He lets out a loud squeak and lunges forward to the sound of Jongdae’s yelp, tripping over a tile and barely keeping his balance. Jongdae is on his knees, letting his squeaky laugh echo through the zoo by the time Baekhyun trots over to him, flustered.

“It might have killed me, Chen! Stop laughing,” he draws, but Chen just falls backwards and stomps his feet on the tiles wheezing. “Ah, shut up..”

☀ ☀ ☀

Jongdae becomes truly aware of his highly perilous attraction to Baekhyun one day when he enters the auditorium to wait for Baekhyun to finish his rehearsal so they can pick up Chanyeol and get something to eat. He gets to one of the first few rows and drops in a seat. Baekhyun is in the middle of the stage, nodding as Junmyeon holds up a sheet to him from below the stage. Then he goes back to duct taped X and rubs his hands together. He spots Jongdae and waves happily and then music starts and he snaps back into his role. It takes Jongdae a bit to recognize the beat and by the time he does, Baekhyun starts opening his mouth, moving his hands in rhythm, choreographed shoulder shakes and hip rolls. His gaze is fixed on the imaginary audience, eyes narrowed, full of smugness and challenge.

_It's going down, fade to Blackstreet_

_The homies got RB, collab' creations_

_Bump like Acne, no doubt_

_I put it down, never slouch_

_As long as my credit can vouch_

_A dog couldn't catch me straight up_

Jongdae realizes that it’s Chanyeol’s deep voice rapping and Baekhyun is only lip syncing and being irresistibly seductive. He wishes he had sat in the middle of the row, so that Baekhyun would be looking right at him. The other actors follow Baekhyun’s movements behind him. The song is remixed, so the rap part is over sooner and then Baekhyun’s whole act shifts and at the _hey yo, hey yo, hey yo, hey yooo_ part he puts one hand on his chest, the other pointing up in the air and spins, hips swaying. He’s singing too, in a delightfully smooth and sweet voice, and Jongdae’s impressed by his English while entirely captivated by the way his body moves. His dance is ridiculous now and it doesn’t look like it’s choreographed – he’s just rolling and twisting his body and limbs to the music while singing and his eyes are crinkled mischievously. Several girls from the other actors are around him acting enamoured, one even gets a heart attack or something.

Jongdae is focused on Baekhyun. His jeans are suddenly tighter. When Baekhyun leaps off the stage and gives him a cheerful clap on the back and then on the way to McDonald’s, Jongdae feels hot and finds it just a bit hard to speak normally.

From that day onwards, lollipops between Baekhyun’s lips seem criminally sexy.

☀ ☀ ☀

The one occasion where things are apparent, like truly apparent to both of them, happens around the beginning of October, when Baekhyun shows Jongdae his piano skills for the first time.

“Bye, hyung! Don’t let the sad get to you that much!” Baekhyun calls after Junmyeon who is exiting the music room, half-open book bag across his shoulder.

The older male turns and attempts a smile. His eyes exude exhaustion, “Bye, Baekhyun-ah, you did very well today! Bye, Jongdae!”

“He doesn’t look well,” Chen remarks once Junmyeon is out the door.

“He’s worried about the performance,” Baekhyun explains, seating himself in front of the keys. “He’ll be fine, pay attention here now.”

Jongdae pulls a chair. He watches concentration take over his friend’s face as he spreads his fingers above the keys. His nails are neat and the seriousness in his expression is somehow attractive. He presses a few white keys and the melody starts flowing. It is sad, but not melancholic or dark, rather reminding of a rainy day when you’re trying to get things done, but the gloom weighs on you. Jongdae watches Baekhyun close his eyes at times and let the song sweep him. He allows himself the same and hums to some of the repeated chords.

“Wooah!” he claps and smiles when Baekhyun gently releases the final notes. “That was amazing! That’s some real talent there, Baekhyun-ah! Play me something else!”

Baekhyun blushes whole. There doesn’t seem to be any room for retorts, this is too dear and important. He cracks his knuckles and rubs his fingers methodically.

“My right hand is a bit sore though. I probably did something to it before when I was carrying that suitcase.”

“Maybe you’ve been playing too much. Let me see, I’ve been told I’m good at massages.”

Chen takes Baekhyun’s hand and an unexpected jolt bounces between them, but neither acknowledges it. _Play it cool._ It resonates in the momentarily tremble of Chen’s fingers.

“Where does it hurt the most? Do you feel pain shoot through your whole hand or?”

“I think it’s mostly the fingers and my wrist, maybe.”

Jongdae puts his skilled fingers in action. He starts gently massaging each of Baekhyun’s digits, holding his hand in his palm.

Baekhyun is somewhat concerned by the faint tingles buzzing through his hand and up his arm, “You’re good. Where did you learn how to do this? Do you do it to the tigers’ paws?” he japes.

Chen laughs, “I’ve never had the desire to be eaten, so not really. I don’t interact much with the animals, you know that. I’m just an educator, I’m not even a trainer, and I’ve never been assigned to help at the vet’s office, so…” he explains with that smile he gets when he’s talking about himself, both shy and sparkly. “Besides, I don’t think I’m that big of a fan of close contact with some of the animals.”

When he trails off, Baekhyun doesn’t say anything, so he focuses on the joints and draws the tips of his own fingers across the whole length of the muscles, applying mild pressure. Then, he moves to the cushiony parts of Baekhyun’s palm, kneading at different spots with precision. His fingers are soft and warm, but they know their way around. Baekhyun’s breathing seems to have fallen into an unfamiliar rhythm as he gets completely hypnotized by Chen’s massage and the warm sensations it elicits. He can practically feel the unique patterns of their handprints slide against one another.

Suddenly, several loud accords resonate when Baekhyun’s other hand sinks into the keys and they both jump, Baekhyun even maybe squeals. Jongdae swallows hard, still feeling the texture of his friend’s skin, before they both laugh about the mishap by obligation.

As I already mentioned, the occasion is quickly forgotten because, you see, for one reason or another, both Jongdae and Baekhyun are much better at acting than they could ever suspect.

☀ ☀ ☀

They are pressed to each other tightly, their bodies fitting together seamlessly – they wouldn’t allow any excessive distance between them. Jongin’s right arm extends along the length of Sehun’s, straight and away from their bodies, while their left arms are curled to rest on Sehun’s abdomen. Their backs are taut and their fingers are intertwined. Jongin’s frame peaks on the left of Sehun’s by a fraction. In the mirror, their gazes are locked together.

At a later time, their proximity, the warmth of Jongin’s breath on Sehun’s ear, the smooth, synchronized movements of their slender bodies will trigger a different kind of sensations and desires, but right know they are completely absorbed by their practice.

“Chin,” Jongin murmurs.

“I won’t be able to see myself,” Sehun reminds, making sure his foot is aligned with Jongin’s.

“You won’t be able to see yourself on stage either. Do it properly now, I’ll watch you.”

They take deep breaths.

Jongin begins narrating softly, “One, two three, lift, weight shift,” even though they hardly need the reminders, it becomes a reassuring chant that Sehun hears in his head while they are performing too. They lift their left legs, knees bent to point the foot at the right leg. They balance, relying on each other and the trained strength of their right legs. It isn’t an easy move and it used to topple them to the floor not just once or twice in the beginning, but now they have worked out a careful system. “Extend and bend, hold to one…two, straight legs, feet to the side…”

Their right arms gracefully rear up and then their bodies part. Jongin is frozen while Sehun completes a few shorter movements with his left arm and leg. Then he is turning in a short spin, back into Jongin’s embrace for a pause before the central, most thrilling part of their dance begins.

With two slashes through the air, they still and the dance is over, leaving them panting side by side. Typically, Jongin watches himself once he is finished, but this time his eyes are trained on Sehun in amazement.

“You were perfect. That was amazing…”

Sehun’s posture breaks and he is turning towards Jongin with the happiest of smiles. He drapes his long arms around Jongin and hides his face in Jongin’s shoulder, briefly because they’re both sweaty and hot. The inexplicable happiness boiling inside his blood is evident in the way his eyes gleam and his lips try to stretch into a bigger grin.

It’s just so… _liberating._ When Jongin introduced him to dance, Sehun was doubtful and reluctant. He had always enjoyed…diverse body movement, to put it in a collective expression, be it casual dancing or that time he took a short fencing course. He is good at diverse body movement and that was, of course, a huge part of the reason why he was as popular among Kwang Ho’s clients, or why he enjoyed doing what he did at least partially.

But because of the nature of his work which no one besides Jongin knew about, a shyness, a consuming shame had formed inside of him. At first, he was doubtful that dance would help re-channel his energy and focus because Jongin had suggested it as the first thing that came to his mind. Moreover, he hadn’t yet caught onto the body movement connection. His distaste grew when he started moving with Jongin, however simple the parts were, because he suddenly felt exposed and vulnerable. Someone he respected and cared about was seeing the part of his life that involved obscene, albeit still graceful, movements under or on top of men of various ages and social positions.

Had this occurred back in the beginning, when Kwang Ho was offering him his first few, when it was all unexplored territory and Sehun got a hell of a kick out of it, Sehun wouldn’t have felt so filthy moving with Jongin. But now every single smoother body roll reminded him of being naked and pressed into white hotel room sheets, of being used, of something personal and dear being taken away from him by man after man, time after time, long after the bills stopped filling for it.

It all fit with the classic “dumb, naïve freshman gone wild” scenario. He met Kwang Ho at a bar, they spend the night together and because Sehun was feeling particularly good about himself and because Kwang Ho’s little goatee seemed adorable at the time, Sehun gave his all and their moans pierced the thin walls until the wee hours of the night. In the morning, neither had left. Kwang Ho praised Sehun and kissed him intrusively and Sehun felt _so_ good, despite being fully aware that the encounter wasn’t based on any affections. Then Kwang Ho offered him to make some money on the side, employ and develop his talents while having fun.

Since the man had a soft spot for him, for a surprisingly long time he only hooked Sehun up with worthy gentlemen. They treated Sehun right – or as “right” as was possible in this kind of business –didn’t cross any boundaries and paid well. Sehun was delighted by all the attention and the money was _very_ good. He reveled in the thought of people _paying_ to sleep with him, how good must he be, right? They appreciated his efforts in taking care of his body and Kwang Ho showered him with praises too, all quite perfect with the exception of the soreness that stuck with him, especially focused in his bum, until one night a gentleman with a short white beard and round spectacles murmured next to Sehun’s ear _god, what a slut you are huh, offering yourself so good,_ right before he came.

Sehun got a job in a bookstore near campus because at some point his income became suspicious. Jongin was just the first one to tease him about it. He would spend 2-3 hours in the bookstore, entertain a client or two every other day and things were peachy. Until he gave that gentleman’s comment some thought – he had said it in the heat of the moment and it didn’t even make much sense, but it was enough to nestle a foul feeling deep in the folds of Sehun’s stomach.

Kwang Ho started giving him these long, sharp looks paired with a dirty smile when letting him know of his plans for the week. Their agreement was that this is a side thing for Sehun and he didn’t want it to get out of control. One day, Kwang Ho informed him that he’d have to start charging less, _Sorry, kid, but even a great ass like yours can’t charge people that much in this economy,_ and the same dirty smile was on his lips. When Sehun had to quit his job at the bookstore because of an extra class, he found his wallet thinning and talked to Kwang Ho about some extra time. The dark-haired man said he’d think about it and that is how Sehun found himself getting treated “right” according to different standards.

The foul feeling in his stomach spread its corrosive tentacles when one night he entered a room in a fairly luxurious hotel and inside were two men in expensive suits, seated by a table with a bottle of whiskey between them and cigars in their fingers. He had never been with more than one client at a time – the question had never been brought up because Kwang Ho had a soft spot for him and Sehun was content with that.

From then on, his clients became more suspicious, demanding and significantly less gentlemanly. The amount of dirty talk and kinks shot through the roof. Sehun’s dictionary of paraphilias expanded drastically. He often got to his dorm room with bruises below the waist. He stopped flirting with the cute cashier in the campus café. His gaze acquired a darting habit and he often caught his fingers shaking. It all happened so fast that he couldn’t even begin to figure it out. As oblivious as he was, Jongin, somewhat prompted by Chanyeol and Luhan, asked him if he was okay, if there was something wrong.

“No, I…haven’t been sleeping well. It’s just…stress, you know?” Sehun’s eyes demanded that the explanation is entirely true, but Jongin saw a blankness to them as well. He attributed it to the stress.

He was a fucktoy. That’s all. He was told so many times by now. He barely saw Kwang Ho anymore, instead receiving a text and meeting his…clients straight at the hotel. He’d seen so many hotel rooms, bathrooms, beds by now that he found himself unable to call up a clear memory of almost any of them. Not even the good ones. He only remembered fractions: the burn of a gray carpet against his cheek, the rolls of dust under a bed, the creaks of a wooden table, the smell of that orange hotel shampoo from the tiny bottle with a round cap which that one guy decided to use instead of lube. He was with more than one guy more often than not, manhandled, jounced between dicks, filled to the brim with filth. Some of them enjoyed the bruises, others paid less because of them, even though Sehun always did his…best? He didn’t have it in him to object.  It wasn’t clear anymore why he was doing it. It was just the…it was a…the part that…

It was a part of his life that was consuming him whole with notions of what he was, who he belonged to, what his worth was, what his duty was. Men came and went and they just took and took and none offered affection and Kwang Ho’s dirty smile was ever-present and Sehun was nothing but a nice body for the use of men. The physical sting was a constant part of him. His scalp became impossibly sensitive. He diligently bought condoms and lube, but often forgot to make sure the men wore the rubbers. They praised him more when they didn’t, right?

There was a very tall and austere man once. He had sharp facial features and rough hands. His built was perfect. Sehun thought he might have been in the army once. He made Sehun sit on the bed and tell him about himself – very specific things, like whether his father had ever taken him fishing or whether he wore jockstraps in gym class. Sehun wasn’t dumb enough to give truthful details. The man made Sehun call him ‘daddy’.

Other than that, nobody cared about who Sehun was or why he did what he did. They came and stripped him and pried into his most private creases. He was made small, his beautiful body folded into different positions that put him on displays and left him entirely at the mercy of the Men, his whole identity erased. When his arms and legs were tied, when his mouth was stuffed, when he was forced to gasp for air, he wasn’t Oh Sehun - he was no one at all.

He flinched at physical contact and shied from loud voices. Days and weeks blurred together and his head was often on the verge of exploding while he resized elements and scrolled through colors and sharpened contours. He often forgot to eat and the men noticed. He often thought about how his father’s prediction when he kicked him out turned out to be true. At night, he often woke to the ghostly feeling of fingers on his sides; a musky smell of sweat and sex clung to his olfactory senses, no matter how much time he spent in the shower. And when he stood under the stream, trying to wash all the cum off of his skin and out of his ass, he saw himself as something smaller and more worthless than the trash at the bottom of the piles in waste dumps.

The bruises climbed up his torso in sync with the foulness overtaking his insides. He learned to wash blood out of his clothes, but the boxers he just threw away. He was careful to always change when Jongin was out of the room and wouldn’t be back anytime soon. People finding out about him being a worthless fucktoy was the worst thing that could ever happen and that’s why had stopped talking to almost everybody. Until one day he was too tired to wait 10 minutes after Jongin left and started stripping almost as soon as his roommate was out the door and then that same door flung open just as he was carefully peeling his shirt off and his back, his back with the long red and blue stripes that had, thankfully, stopped oozing blood shortly after they were inflicted, his back was facing that same goddamn door and

“Holy _fuck_ , Sehun!” Jongin’s voice shot through the corridor and Sehun tugged his shirt down and spun around, his arms flying up in front of him. The world was suddenly falling apart and he couldn’t formulate a single coherent thought except for

“Please, close the door, please don’t say anything please leave please close the door—“

Jongin stared in horror. He closed the door and they stared at each other, Sehun licking his lips, his pleads into a steady murmur now, arms still up.

“What—what _happened_ to you?”

Sehun kept blinking and licking his lips.

“Sehun? Let me see, let me see, we have to…Sehun, please, what the hell happened?” Jongin was all but in hysterics.

Something broke. Nobody heard it break, but everything that happened afterwards was a result of the fracture. Sehun was shaking and babbling and Jongin was bewildered. He had enough sense to try to take Sehun’s arms and pull him close, as gently as possible.

When, under Jongin’s gentle whispers, Sehun was seated on his bed and his shirt was off, they were both at a loss again. Jongin didn’t ask about what had happened any longer, instead forcing himself to look at Sehun’s bruised body, despite Sehun shielding himself with his arm around his chest. Jongin asked if he wanted something for his back, maybe a wet towel or some cream or something, and all Sehun could do was stare at him with a blank expression, licking his lips repeatedly.

So Jongin brought a damp towel and spread it on his roommate’s back carefully, flinching at every whimper. He got him to lie in bed on his front and sat by him, devoured in shock, until long after Sehun had fallen asleep.

 

Sehun woke with a start, practically jumping up. The cool sheet slid off as his brain registered his surroundings, recalling what had happened previously. He leapt off the bed, looking for his shoes. He could take the back staircase and be far from the building before Jongin came back.

Maybe he could, but he didn’t get to because the stupid door flung open just as he was tying his left shoe.

“Sehun. Please, don’t do anything stupid,” Jongin pleaded, holding out his arms. A plastic bag hung off his fingers.

“Who did you tell?”

“I didn’t—I didn’t tell anybody… Please, sit down…”

This was _Jongin_. Jongin who had felt distant and foreign for the longest time now not because of something he did. Jongin who was still his best friend maybe.

He told him everything. Not _everything_ , but everything. He wept into Jongin’s neck and was terrified because of the horror in Jongin’s face, but Jongin held him so gently, so warmly and it was enough.

“Sehun-ah. Sehun-ah, deep breaths,” Jongin repeated when Sehun’s words were caught in his throat again and only hiccups came in their place. The boy’s lankiness was folding in on itself and shaking.

Jongin had no idea how he was supposed to handle this. He had no clue what to do, only knew that he had to help Sehun somehow, regardless of how unbelievably chilling everything he was saying was. I say unbelievably because Jongin had trouble believing that what Sehun was describing could happen to someone so close to him and that he, of all people, hadn’t figured it out earlier.

Five years ago one of his sisters got mixed up with drugs. Nothing too serious, but their father caught her and the horror of the family was overwhelming. It was kept very quiet and Jongin only knows what he’d heard eavesdropping by the living room door. He remembers feeling like something really bad and irreversible had happened, though he didn’t quite know what. Anyway, his sister was having a panic attack of sorts and now, holding Sehun’s bruised trembling body, he remembered his mother telling his sister to breathe, though not in a very compassionate way.

His fingers stroked Sehun’s side, careful because even though he’d had a good look at his best friend’s naked torso, he didn’t remember where all the bruises were.

“Sehunnie, it’s okay. You’ve told me now.”

Embarrassment overwhelmed Sehun later, when it was dark outside and he was done pouring out the things he felt able to say. He locked himself in their small bathroom and splashed his face time after time. On the other side of the door, Jongin wasn’t sure what to say so as not to hurt Sehun’s dignity any more than it was already shattered.

“Sehun. I’m not going anywhere, I’ll be out here, so please come out. Come see what I got from the vending machine, I’m hungry, let’s eat together,” he almost said _listen to your hyung_ , but caught himself.

Sehun buried his face in Jongin’s neck again when he finally came out and Jongin met him by the door. He had showered and now smelled of Jongin’s emergency rose shampoo.

Jongin showed him the pitiful sandwiches he got from the vending machine by their dorm entrance when he had been away before – he hadn’t wanted to go too far, he explained, but they could go out to get something, if Sehun was feeling like it. They ended up eating chicken in the quaint _Chicken-Lee & Kimbap-Park_ a block down from their dorm.

There weren’t that many people at such a late hour, but Jongin still chose the most secluded table. Mrs. Lee mused about how she had missed seeing Sehun around, piling their orders on their trays with a smile. She was a small lady not much younger than Sehun’s grandma. She ran the small restaurant with her cousin, the ever-scowling Mr. Park who had come up with the pedestrian name of the place.

Jongin noted the shy smile on Sehun’s lips and the wonders it did to his exhausted face.

“While you were sleeping…I kind of thought of a plan? About what to do about all of this,” he said sheepishly after a while. They had made some light talk while eating, but now Sehun was focusing on vacuuming his plates, so Jongin thought that maybe it was a good time. Sehun looked up, “But then when you told me everything…I won’t go to class tomorrow. I’ll stay back with you. You need some rest and we should do something about…” he gestured vaguely towards Sehun’s torso. Sehun was watching him now, beyond touched, but his eyes were unreadable and Jongin blushed. “I’m sure that Kwang Ho—“

“I can’t back out.”

Jongin was silent.

“Sehun-ah, this needs to stop.”

Sehun averted his eyes.

They talked. They talked on the way back and once they were in bed. Their sentences were punctuated by long silences. Sehun felt like he was dreaming because it seemed way too surreal for someone to be as calm about his…situation. Surely, in the real world nobody cared enough about Sehun to put so much effort into helping him. Sehun’s words were often hushed, coated in anxiety or shame, left for the wind to pick up and Jongin to try to catch.

Jongin was sure Kwang Ho would understand and Sehun would manage to charm him. Sehun knew he would most likely not get out as easily, but he didn’t have the heart to explain it to his best friend.

In the end, he was right. He had to work for another night and the thought of being back in a hotel room was crippling, but he pulled through, clinging to the idea that Jongin would be waiting for him and Jongin understood and Jongin cared. Kwang Ho’s eyes darkened when he told him that he wanted out. Sehun took deep breaths and kept his fist tightly closed around the bottle cap Jongin had given him earlier because he’d thought it was funny looking. Kwang Ho was so rough that Sehun wanted to cry, but he didn’t, he was at his best performance and he left with a black eye and a split lip and a cracked rib, sticking to his story, he had so much work to do for school, so much, and he threw up in a trashcan in front of the bar where Kwang Ho used a backroom and when he got to his room, he couldn’t look at Jongin who was waiting anxiously despite their digital clock showing 3:17 AM.

For the longest time, it was arduous, seeing the slight change in the way Jongin looked at him. Jongin tried not to show it, but goddamn it, how do you deal with knowing that your best friend has been having all kinds of sex for money almost every night and you never knew about it?! Apart from that, he was so supportive and caring that Sehun’s head felt like it was about to explode again, in a different way this time.

Jongin was adamant about Sehun not going to any classes for at least a week. He was worried out of his mind on the way to the hospital on the next morning, after Sehun had finally shown him his ribcage. Throughout the week, he made Luhan stop by their room or got whatever notes Sehun needed from that guy Baekhyun and Chanyeol introduced to their little group, Jongdae. He was by Sehun’s side when Sehun changed his phone number. He brought him a tube of a surprisingly soothing ointment he’d read about online, for the bruises on his back, and asked him if he needed more painkillers or another ice-pack every 3 minutes. He left him awkwardly put together breakfast and eagerly told him about his dance practices because he knew his passion fascinated Sehun. One night they watched a comedy that had Jongin’s laugh echoing well past their door and the healing bruises on Sehun’s ribs reminding of their presence until late; Sehun ended up nestled in Jongin’s arms. When he finally managed to relax to the soothing flutters of Jongin’s fingers on his belly, he fell asleep feeling safer than he had in years.

☀ ☀ ☀

Had it been really that bad? How bad had it been? Sehun gave up trying to determine.

☀ ☀ ☀

Every Thursday morning is a small nightmare for Chanyeol. His Mechanics lectures are inhumanely early, so early that he hasn’t even had time to stifle his morning groans with breakfast by the time he has to be in class. For a few weeks, perhaps a month and a half, it was much more bearable because he could look forward to seeing Jihoon after Calculus, but then Thursday returns to loneliness and mundanity and, often, throbbing headaches because _goddamn mechanics_.

Without the red-haired ferret to encourage him to stop being a lazy ass because food is worth a whole lot of movement, Baekhyun is in serious danger of starving on Thursdays, seeing as his first lecture is at 9:30. When he finds out that Chen’s Thursday mornings are free too, the two start a routine of having breakfast at McDonald’s. There is something unexpectedly cozy about going to McDonald’s at 8. There’s barely anybody in and the employees are just starting off. Jongdae and his crush sit in the comfortable McCafe booths and munch on burgers or muffins or croissants, sharing a portion of large fries and slurping cappuccinos or cola or slushies. Sometimes they’re not that sleepy and they chat quietly. Sometimes Chen is getting particularly riled up about an upcoming project and he babbles about it, his voice assuming a range on intonations and frequencies, while Baekhyun _admires_ his handsome face. One Thursday Baekhyun receives a text at 3:43 AM that “ChenChen” is only going to bed now, so he’ll miss out on their breakfast. In the morning, Baekhyun barges in his room with a mango smoothie and a Kids’ Meal. Chen laughs at the plastic Hello Kitty figurine inside and places it on his shelf next to the photo of his parents.

Baekhyun frequents Jongdae and Yixing’s room about as much as Jongdae does his and Chanyeol’s. Jongdae seems to be a link in his friendship with Chanyeol that the two best friends hadn’t really known their friendship had room for. From an outsider’s point of view, it sometimes looks like Chanyeol, especially with his size, is the only mature one, with Baekhyun and Jongdae lying on the floor, feet in the air, elbows touching, flipping through encyclopedias and magazines. Chanyeol uses times like that to do some hardcore schoolwork because the room is uncharacteristically quiet.

The musical is flawless despite the short amount of time the participants have had to rehearse. Junmyeon’s hard work is evident in every part and he glows with pride at the audience’s deafening applause. He’s pushed forward by his cheering cast when they’re bowing and he sees his coaches and friends and Sehun smiling and he is happy because he’s done splendidly. He’s already set up a reminder on his phone to send pictures and recordings of the performance to his parents. For some weeks now, his soul will feel lighter, the pencil in his hand will leave smoother lines, his smile will be brighter. He has worked hard. He has done well.

This time, Chen is sitting in the middle of the second row (he arrived embarrassingly early, having taken the day off work just so he can make it), so Baekhyun can spot him with ease despite the glare of the projectors. He’s on his feet too, grinning gorgeously. Baekhyun’s heart soars. He winks, overflowing with aegyo, and blows a kiss that is accepted by many and, most importantly, Chen.

☀ ☀ ☀

Luhan is a beautiful rich boy. A prince from the faraway skyscrapers of Beijing whose delicacy, quirks and gorgeous face grace the significantly smaller megalopolis of Seoul now. He owns a fantastic penthouse apartment where he lives mostly alone, save for the overnight visits by Minseok or a number of first-class private entertainers. On the Saturday after the musical, he satisfies the biggest desire of every person who has ever heard of Prince Luhan and throws a party. He does it solely with Junmyeon’s well-being in mind – invited are a few rising interns from the city’s most renowned architecture firms, several artists, a young assistant-director from the National Theater of Korea and a whole bunch of hopefully-not-too-rowdy college students. Expensive pieces of furniture are covered in cheap blankets and the most fragile works of art are moved to Luhan’s bedroom which is strictly off limits.

On Saturday, Baekhyun meets the Prince of Qingdao.

“Do you have any intention of getting dressed within the next three years?” Baekhyun asks, flipping his phone in the air and catching it.

A mop of red hair pokes out of the bathroom. Below it is a nice bare chest, “I literally just came back. Like, I literally, _literally_ just came back and I am disgusting and I need to shower and if you had gotten me some clothes like I asked you to, this would be happening at least a bit faster.”

Baekhyun glances at the bathroom door, then back at his phone, “Whatever, I’m going to hang out with Jongdae who isn’t slower than a Banana slug1. Text me when you’re ready.”

 

 

> **Banana slug** – a species of slug from North America, considered one of the slowest animals on Earth with an average speed of 0.000023 cm/s or 17 cm/min

The beagle throws the other beagle a look before sliding his enormous shades up his nose.

“I’ve literally seen you change outfits and apply eyeliner for two and half hours when you’re going on a date, Baekhyun, I’ve literally timed you. None of those girls took nearly as long, I’m willing to bet on that,” Chanyeol calls after him.

“Literally!”

☀ ☀ ☀

Baekhyun drags his feet on the squeaky linoleum of Jongdae’s corridor. He’s looking forward to getting drunk with Jongdae, despite that tiny voice of a deeper reason reminding him of the things he might do once he loses control over what he says.

He knocks three times, “Chen-ahhhh,” he uses his best whine, then knocks again and repeats.

“Would it kill you to move a meter off the bed and answer the door?” Jongdae yells at someone as the door opens.

Baekhyun’s eyes first fall on the figure lounging on the bed across from the door. A blond man with tan skin and somehow…feline features. Everything about him seems to be long, from his legs, stretched out in front of him, to his arms and facial features and even his eyelashes, which bat contemptuously in Chen’s direction before the man’s eyes turn to Baekhyun. He should remind Baekhyun of Chanyeol, but he really doesn’t because of the grace even his smallest motions exude.

“Look what the cat dragged in,” Jongdae says, holding the door for Baekhyun, “Cats are such excellent hunters though, I really don’t know why they’d bother with someone like you, that was a bad choice of words.”

 _Excuse me, Jongdae—_ Baekhyun’s eyes fall on Jongdae for the first time as he cooks up a retort, but then he actually _looks_ at Jongdae and he almost flees down the corridor. He’s gone. Unlike his penis which decides to make itself known.

See, Chen is shirtless. His godly thighs are clad in a pair of fabulous dark red plaid shorts and Baekhyun is pretty sure they’re _boxer_ shorts. Meaning Chen isn’t wearing anything under them. Like, nothing. Whatsoever not that it should matter to baekhyun. The finishing touch to Chen’s killer appearance is the thick layer of shaving cream on his face, interrupted on his right cheek where he’s drawn the razor through already. His cheekbones seem less prominent now. He is so handsome and cute that Baekhyun’s world starts swaying slowly; he actually feels nauseous. Chen’s torso is all ripples, ripples, ripples, lean and compact, skin smooth and unblemished. Baekhyun almost imagines what it would feel like under the tips of his fingers. He stares at it long and hungry once Chen turns away.

There’s just too much happening. The more important thing is to learn who this tall stranger is, but Baekhyun’s eyes are on Chen’s stunning face. A radiant smile peaks through the shaving cream, the gorgeous eyes are twinkling. There’s an overwhelming urge rising inside Baekhyun to run his fingers through those brown curls. He has somehow entered the room and is now getting pats on the back from Chen who heads back to his bathroom. The stranger gives him a look of appraisal, his eyes unfriendly. He’s quite menacing, but Baekhyun’s mind is still a swirl of forbidden sensations as a result by Chen’s existence. Still, it immediately registers the fact that the stranger would be considered good-looking.

His fashion sense is too pretentious. And what’s with the earring?

“This is Tao. Tao, this is Baekhyun. He’s seven years old, the two of you should get along well,” Jongdae calls from in front of his bathroom mirror. He’s glad to be away because his chest is flushed and his heart is beating a little faster. As much as he thinks his torso is a nice sight, he’s sure that Baekhyun doesn’t appreciate seeing it. “Tao’s coming to Luhan’s party.”

“Can’t wait to see how the privileged are living, eh?” Baekhyun manages a teasing tone, quickly reaching for a pillow after he’s dropped onto Yixing’s bed.

“I’ll be ready in a few minutes and we can go.”

“Chanyeol’s gonna take forever to get ready, he only just got back.”

“Ah, so we have to wait for him?”

Baekhyun notices the tousled state of Chen’s bed. He watches Tao fix his fringe with the tips of his long fingers and cross his long legs. He puts two and two together. A strange chill spreads through his limbs when he finds that the result is probably four.

“You two dating?” he asks. His voice is flat, he’s playing with a loose thread on the pillow. Tao looks up from his phone.

“Used to,” Chen answers easily.

Baekhyun is not sure why he’s relieved.

You’d think that this might serve as a turning point, one way or another. But no.

☀ ☀ ☀

Baekhyun and Jongdae, among many things, never have that typical best-friends-in-love moment where they get drunk, make out and then pretend it never happened.

Part of the reason is the fact that Jongdae isn’t much of a drinker. At Luhan’s party, things happen so that the Beagle line remains focused on the food for quite some time. With the help of Kyungsoo’s excellent taste and knowledge of restaurants, Luhan has put together a delectable table of delicacies. He knows that few will actually appreciate it, but he’s done it for his sophisticated guests’, Junmyeon’s and his own sake.

Music blares, people go wild in Luhan’s vast field of a living room, Junmyeon converses his mind away with Luhan’s selection of sophisticated guests and the kimchi is heavenly in Baekhyun’s mouth. Jongdae keeps bumping his elbow as he enthusiastically finishes a bowl of bean paste noodles and Chanyeol is planning some sort of a prank which later fails lamely and goes unnoticed, much to Chanyeol’s drunk, loud disappointment. Baekhyun is sure to notice Tao’s absence. The tall boy, who made Chanyeol laugh and vice versa on their way to the party, is performing drinking rituals with Junmyeon who is happy and carefree, long after the special guests leave. When the apartment is mostly empty, Baekhyun and Jongdae and Chanyeol are still firing rice cake chunks at the people on the dance floor from behind a couch.

☀ ☀ ☀

Everything stays the same, but also not quite. Baekhyun is now aware of a very comforting feeling of belonging he gets when it comes to Chen. It’s kind of like with Chanyeol, but sort of different, in a way that Baekhyun can’t and doesn’t want to pinpoint. He’s also aware of the strangely alarming fact that Chen is a person with a love life who has had relationships in the past and will have relationships in the future. Acknowledging that makes his stomach twist with a feeling of loss – like Chen is his best friend but not completely, like there’s a foreign side to him that Baekhyun doesn’t have access to. Ironically - and this is something Baekhyun has no means of knowing - the feeling is quite similar to what a gay man suffers through when he’s crushing on his straight best friend. The exact feeling that starts eating at Jongdae at night more and more often.

☀ ☀ ☀

There is one other occasion where there exists the risk of things becoming blatantly apparent because of alcohol.

It’s a Tuesday night and Jongdae is the bathroom with his hand around his dick. His face is contorted with pleasure, lips parted, eyes shut.  Drawing his fist up his shaft at a painfully slow pace, he lets his fingers circle the head and teases his slit. He’s so close, he can feel his balls drawing closer to his body in his other hand.

“I understand that your libido is in serious need of relief, but you’ve been in there for fifteen minutes, Jongdae, and I really need to shower. It’s eight already, you have a lot to cover for tomorrow,” Yixing’s voice comes from the other side of the door.

Jongdae lets out a cry of frustration. He moves his hand faster, twisting and feeling the hardness of his smooth length. He tries to focus on the pleasure, empties his mind again and allows the buzz to spread from his groin up to his belly, to his fingers, his knees bend and his hand goes from his balls to his nipple, his fist is almost a blur and he feels it building up until it erupts. He groans out loud as the first shot hits his stomach, he breathes heavily and images of Baekhyun’s lips drawn in a smirk, pursing in a pout flash through his mind.

Jongdae is supposed to be studying for an Art History exam, so that’s what he does after he cleans up. He’s past the point of being phased by the fact that he cums to mental images of Baekhyun because, as it turns out, there’s nothing he can do about it.

He settles into bed around two, overflowing with facts that he isn’t entirely sure he can keep down before the exam. He’s tried a system of organizing everything, so he can remember it more easily, but Art History is a little too colorless for him, at least these few lessons. At 3, a piercing guitar riff splits the air in the room. Yixing jumps in his bed, already on his feet by the time Jongdae picks up his phone.

“It’s my phone, it’s okay, I’m sorry I forgot to silence it. Go back to sleep,” his eyes are so heavy with sleep that he can barely open them enough to see the caller ID. He perks up a little when he finally does, his voice is fond, “Mwoyaaa, what do you want, Baek! Did you fall into a ditch somewhere?”

Baekhyun, Chanyeol and Luhan were off to a huge party which Jongdae really wished he could visit too, but Art History got in the way.

“Chensshi, we miss you! The party isn’t the same without you!” comes Baekhyun’s most annoying voice and Jongdae laughs. “Chensshi, you-“

“Come pick us up! Come pick us up, asshole!” Jongdae recognizes Luhan’s voice. His words sound slurred.

“Yes, Chensshi, you need to come pick us up because Chanyeol met the love of his life and abandoned us!”

“It’s four in the morning, you moron! I got an exam in the morning!” Chen tries, his voice too loud for the room, but he knows the battle is already lost as Baekhyun keeps up his pleading. “I dunno, I dunno, Baekhyun, you were so willing to ditch me…”

“Jongdae, I’m cold and Luhan already threw up twice! Come pick us uuup!” Baekhyun’s wail drowns Luhan’s yells. Jongdae is already throwing the covers off his body. “Also, can I crash with you and Yixing because Chanyeol took some sleazy dude to our room and I don’t wanna see them swap spit or suck each other’s dicks or put them-“

“Yaa, I’ve heard enough, I’ll come get you, just don’t—don’t get hit by a car or something!”

There’s a grin on Jongdae’s face as he pulls a pair of sweatpants on.

“What’s happening? Is everything okay?” Yixing asks. He’s returned to bed, covered with his blankets up to his chin but still wide awake.

“Everything’s alright, don’t worry. I need to pick Baekhyun and Luhan up,” Jongdae replies, deciding against changing his sleep shirt. “Is it okay with you if Baekhyun stays with us tonight?”

 

The two tumble into the back seat of Jongdae’s small car, a cloud of alcohol vapor and giggles. They fall asleep huddled together almost immediately after Jongdae drives away. He grins at them in the rear view mirror. He tries to shoo the tiredness away at least for a bit by glancing at Baekhyun’s twisted sleeping form and chuckling at the drool dripping on Luhan’s shoulder.

After they drop Luhan off at his apartment, Jongdae allows his foot to sink a little more on the gas pedal.

Ah! They’re totally about to make out in Jongdae’s car, you’re thinking. They might even have sex and maybe even spend the night in there. If not that, then they’ll probably be all cute and mushy and fuck in Jongdae’s bed, trying not to wake Yixing up. Surely.

Well, let’s see.

Jongdae parks and curses loudly for not having a bottle of water to spray Baekhyun with. Luckily, he finds a flimsy paper napkin in the glove compartment. He tickles Baekhyun’s nose with it until Baekhyun jumps and smacks his head on the front seat and Jongdae’s cackles fill the tight space.

“Carry me!” Baekhyun snaps, eyes closed, when Jongdae holds the door for him. He‘s almost melting into the seat, disappearing inside his black coat.

“Aaah, I can’t carry you, Baekhyun, come on, get out.”

Baekhyun dumps his legs outside the car and starts standing up, “Carry me!” He lifts his arms as if waiting for someone to embrace him.

“I can’t carry you, Baekhyun, you’re taller than me! Let’s go, I could fall asleep right here.”

“Carry me, Chen! Carry me!” his tone is relentless and annoying, his face is serious and tired and adorable and a lot like the faces of the kids that come to Jongdae’s booth. He thrusts himself in Jongdae’s arms, eyelids fluttering.

So Jongdae picks him up bridal style gingerly, laughing through it. Baekhyun relaxes in his arms like a true princess while Jongdae produces a high-pitched soundtrack to his staggers. Jongdae manages a few paces, barely reaching a bench where he drops Baekhyun and lands on top of him. He is laughing loudly and piercing the night with his long yelps. Baekhyun lays still, eyes still closed, and chuckles in hiccups.

By the time they get to Jongdae’s room, they’re both almost passing out. Yixing’s set up a nest on the floor for Baekhyun out of a few blankets. The black-haired gnome kicks his shoes off and snuggles in it gladly. Jongdae falls asleep fond.

☀ ☀ ☀

Winter comes. It is white and gray and either incredibly pretty or sickening. Jongdae and Baekhyun often walk pressed clumsily to each other to conserve heat. Chanyeol prefers to jump around.

Baekhyun just _respects_ and _admires_ his Chen so much. He’s never had so much respect for anyone before, he explains to Chanyeol when the red-haired giant asks, in a jealous whine, why Baekhyun tells Jongdae so much special things. _Chanyeol_ is the best friend, after all. Baekhyun knows he doesn’t mean it, so they indulge in some banter, before Baekhyun explains things in a more serious manner. He has two best friends now.

There is a Christmas performance which is supposed to be a real pearl. Junmyeon couldn’t decline stepping in as a director again, regardless of how much pressure that dumps on his already sagging shoulders. Baekhyun is one of the stars again. He is so excited about his rehearsals sometimes that Jongdae compares him to a jack-in-the-box.

 _Chicken-Lee & Kimbap-Park _is the coziest place to be in the freezing winter days. Beagle line makes it their regular hang out location and the others join them frequently. Baekhyun warms up to Tao – who wouldn’t? Once he drops the bad boy act, the prince of Qingdao is just precious, all cute giggles at frequencies only certain dogs can hear.

(“What is he doing here again?” Chanyeol whispered to Baekhyun once, but Baekhyun was just as clueless as him, shrugging that he’s Jongdae’s friend, so… “Look at all those rings. Those are some expensive clothes, too. What does he even _do_?”

But the question of why Tao seems available at the most unusual times or how he can afford the air of luxury is one that even Jongdae can’t answer, “You know what, I don’t even know anymore,” he says when Baekhyun asks him.)

When Junmyeon finds the time to occupy his place in the comfortable booths of Mrs. Lee’s restaurant, one can usually see the stress melting away from his face when Tao starts throwing rice cake chunks at him or engaging him in talks about manga.

☀ ☀ ☀

Jongdae’s been waiting outside the music hall for some time now and he’s seen plenty of people leave, so he decides to go in.

“Baekhyunnie! I see you’re trying to outdo everyone again,” he teases when he spots Baekhyun nod to something his vocal teacher is explaining.

Baekhyun smiles weakly when he sees Jongdae, but the usual Chen-induced glint in his eyes is faint, “Ah, you know I don’t have to try for that.”

Jongdae lets him gather his belongings and then they’re out the door. The wind bites into their bare skin as soon as they leave the building. Jongdae expects Baekhyun, the ferocious winter-hater, to whine about it, but his friend just snuggles deeper into his huge parka. It makes his not-that-large body seem even smaller. He is wearing skinny jeans and they poke out from underneath the parka, a crucial touch to him resembling a popsicle.

“Waa, I can’t feel my fingers, what’s wrong with this weather!” Jongdae decides to complain instead of him. He glances at Baekhyun, certain he’s at least deserved a playful insult, but the black haired boy just squints distastefully at the sky. He reaches into his pocket and hands Jongdae a bright orange ski glove, wearing one himself. Worry grows inside Jongdae, but he grins, smacking Baekhyun’s massive arm with the glove, “What’s this for? Don’t you need your bear gloves to protect your precious piano-playing fingers?”

“I’ll be fine,” his friend says, shoving his hand into his bottomless pocket.

Jongdae watches him as they walk. A quiet Byun is never a good sign. It could mean one of two things, as far as Jongdae knows him: one, he is plotting something nasty or has already set it in motion, or, two, he’s upset beyond whining. When Baekhyun is upset beyond whining…actually, Jongdae hasn’t seen him that way, he’s only heard about it from Chanyeol. Either way, it’s troubling and scary to see the epitome of mischief and cheer upset.

“You sour about something? Baekhyun-ah,” Jongdae bumps into him as they walk causing them both to stumble briefly.

The other boy shoves back gently, “I’m fine, just feeling a bit off.”

Jongdae is pretty much at a loss. They walk in silence. When they reach the crossing where the paths to their respective dorms part, Jongdae throws his arms around Baekhyun, clinging to him from the side, “Don’t leave me, senpai, not when you’re upset like this!” he cries, shaking Baekhyun.

Baekhyun smiles a bit and shrugs him off, “Go home, Kim Jongdae, you have disappointed me…”

Chen laughs and lets go of him. Baekhyun doesn’t face him, “Ah, that’s it, I’m coming up with you and you’re telling me what’s got you so sour!” he decrees, unsatisfied with the popsicle’s reaction, and Baekhyun doesn’t protest.

The room is warm, but Baekhyun still pulls his duvet around his shoulders once he’s shucked his parka and backed up to the wall on his bed. Jongdae picks up one of Chanyeol’s guitar picks from the desk and studies the logo of a band he’s never heard of. Baekhyun feels depressed and exhausted.

“Won’t you tell me what’s wrong?”

Baekhyun buries himself further in his duvet cone, “I’m having some trouble.”

Jongdae watches him. He sits next to him, “With?”

Baekhyun doesn’t speak for some time and Jongdae prompts him with an elbow, “Just…performing.”

“Are you having performance issues?”

The black-haired boy stares at the snickering Jongdae in outrage. When the joke dies, Jongdae elbows him again.

“I’ve been having trouble hitting some high notes and…just singing properly these past few days. I don’t know what’s wrong with me,” his voice is quiet and he’s looking down at the patterns on his duvet.

Jongdae blinks a few times, studying him and considering his words. “I’m sure it’s just- I’m sure you can deal with it, you’re a great singer. It’s probably just the cold weather or something,” he offers.

“I don’t know, but I suddenly can’t sing things I could before. My voice sounds terrible. I’m really disappointed in myself, so are my teachers. And the staging is a month away, but no matter what I do I can’t sing properly,” Baekhyun takes a deep breath when he feels stinging in his eyes and nose. Chen remains quiet and he covers his eyes, biting his lip, trying to contain himself.

“Hey,” Chen says softly and brings his arm around the big lump that is the duvet with Baekhyun underneath it. Baekhyun lets his head rest on Chen’s shoulder and cries silently for some time. Jongdae feels numb physically, slightly shocked too.

“You’ll be fine, Baek,” he tries again after some time. “This is just…just a low point. You’re so good at this, I can’t imagine you not being able to overcome it.”

Baekhyun straightens up and wipes his eyes with an embarrassed smile. He glances at Jongdae with gratitude.

“Can’t Junmyeon-hyung coach your or something? He’s very talented, isn’t he?”

Baekhyun waves a hand, “Junmyeon-hyung is busy directing the whole musical. He has enough on his plate right now.”

Jongdae feels helpless. Baekhyun keeps sniffing. He reaches into the drawer of his desk for a tissue.

“I’ll be fine, I’ll be fine,” Baekhyun finally says with a laugh, settling back in his cocoon. Jongdae watches him with a sad frown.

“Have I told you about my dyslexia?” he says after a bit. Baekhyun’s head whips around. “I’m managing mostly fine now, but I had really bad episodes when I was younger. I know it’s very different from what you’re…dealing with right now, but…”

“What was it like?”

Jongdae flips the guitar pick in his fingers, “At first I thought something was wrong with my eyes because I always had to, you know, squint to be able to see the words correctly because they would become…” he paused, his eyebrow twitching in search for the right words, “The characters got jumbled up, you know? Not very much, but it made it very difficult to learn to read at first and I also had trouble recognizing them. So after I was diagnosed, my mom and my brother spent a lot of time reading to me and teaching me to write.”

Baekhyun is mesmerized by the way Chen talks. It’s the first time he’s seeing him so serious.

“We tried a lot of different techniques, like I had to trace the characters with my finger…things like that. But I had to be really patient because it was very frustrating at times. I just couldn’t focus properly because nothing would make sense and it made a lot of subjects in school hard too. I felt like there was something wrong with me and…I mean, there _is_ something wrong with me, this _is_ a disorder… But I felt like I wasn’t trying hard enough. I really wished I could just ditch all subjects that involved reading and writing and focus on art because I was really good at that.” Jongdae pauses. His face feels hot talking about this under Baekhyun’s intent curious gaze. “And yeah, it was just very frustrating sometimes. I would sometimes…spend days feeling depressed cause I couldn’t do anything properly, especially when I had to start learning English too. But I learned to deal with my fits, I learned to be very patient and found little ways to make reading easier. So patience helped me, that’s all I’m trying to say. I believe in you, I know you’ll handle this.”

Jongdae shrugs before looking at Baekhyun. Baekhyun’s eyes are full of that respect that’s reserved for Chen only.

“I’ve never noticed that you have trouble reading.”

Chen laughs bashfully, “It’s not that bad now. I got my techniques.”

Comfortable silence envelops them. Jongdae plays with the guitar pick, while Baekhyun soaks in the warmth of his duvet armor.

“Chen,” he starts, “do your parents know? About you…” he nods, “liking guys?”

Jongdae blushes even darker. He glances at Baekhyun, then away, with a small smile bearing a mixture of feelings, “I haven’t told them.”

Baekhyun nods again. He takes the guitar pick, brushing his fingers against Chen’s.

❄❄❄

Not long after Jongdae leaves, hugging Baekhyun in his cocoon, Chanyeol returns. His lips are almost blue and he drops next to Baekhyun, wrapped in his own duvet, as soon as he takes his shoes off. His teeth are chattering and he grunts loudly while massaging his toes. Baekhyun wobbles to the side and bumps him with his shoulder. Today isn’t a good day for 2/3 of the Beagle line.

“I hate winter,” Chanyeol exhales.

Baekhyun snorts, “Since when?”

Chanyeol carefully tugs on the corner of his duvet so it covers his toes, “Minwook dumped me.”

Baekhyun starts to tease him, but Chanyeol just sits and frowns very deeply, like he’s trying really hard to figure out one of his super difficult engineering problems. He chews on his lips and swallows frequently. Baekhyun can tell that’s he’s really gutted and it surprises him because he thought Chanyeol didn’t take these things too seriously anyway and besides, he and Minwook had gone out only three or four times and Baekhyun had been under the impression that it’s mostly about sex.

“I just…wish it could work out for once, even just for a little while…” his voice is shaky and Baekhyun feels even more depressed. For some unknown reason his thoughts run to Jongdae.

Chanyeol rests his head on Baekhyun’s cocooned shoulder. The two sit on Baekhyun’s bed like large scoops of ice cream, their heads the equivalent of cherries.

❄❄❄

Somewhere along the line, the “Sehun-ah” began sounding softer, charged with unspoken affection. On an oddly cold evening, Jongin returned to their room and saw Sehun sleeping, curled up under his light blanket. Jongin fumbled around dumbly for some time, before carefully spreading his own blanket on top of Sehun, imagining how much warmer, cozier his best friend would feel. Because giving your friend your own covers instead of checking if someone might have a spare blanket is obviously the better option. When he was ready to go to sleep too, he stumbled upon the conundrum. So he lifted the blankets off Sehun’s long body and nudged him over until they were both warm. Nights spent in the tight comfort of the same bed became a regularity, unless it was too warm.

Jongin’s gentle touches when tending to Sehun’s injuries lingered and persisted long after Sehun stopped needing help. Sehun’s smiles filled with something more than gratitude. Sometimes he talked and cried in his sleep, sometimes he would wake with a start. At times like that Jongin held him and pressed soft kisses in his hair or behind his ear. Sometimes, those gestures only worsened Sehun’s shaking, but Jongin learned that it’s best to not let go.

It happened softly on the third time that Jongin took Sehun to one of the dance halls. He would ask his coaches for the keys so that he could work with Sehun privately in the evening. At first he was at a loss about how to deal with Sehun’s reluctance, but his patience reassured Sehun and they fell into a routine smoothly.

On that evening, they were in the middle of practicing some basic moves when Jongin stepped closer and drew his hand along Sehun’s arm, outlining the correct curve. He explained the components of the move, emphasizing the most important ones – he was getting better at explaining now, pausing to look for the right words rarely. Sehun nodded when he looked up, then did that thing where his face softens into a smile. Jongin held his gaze. Sehun leaned in and kissed his cheek, before aligning their lips together. The kiss was softer than Sehun’s smile. It felt somehow relieving, and heavenly, too. Sehun’s lips were pliant, accommodating. Jongin almost lost his balance, completely melting into the touch. When Sehun pulled away, his heart thudded, but his friend’s eyes remained closed a beat longer.

“Do you…?” Sehun himself didn’t know what the question was.

“I don’t know. Just…” Jongin shook his head. He shrugged, “I want…” And he shrugged again with a tiny smile.

Sehun exhaled. Jongin brought his hand to his face and kissed him again. He’d grown to love the broken boy as more than what they already were.

“Let’s finish this?”

Sehun shook his head. They sat close with their backs to the mirrors, their hands finding each other.

☀ ☀ ☀

We find them now under the caressing rays of the setting sun. Sehun’s back is bare and scarred, his torso hovering above Jongin, and there’s a smile on his pretty lips. They’re rosy and Jongin kisses them. He’s never abstained from tasting them, gentle even when the mood is playful. The chirping of birds and the chatter of people filters in through the open window.

“You smell incredible,” Jongin notes. Sehun colors a light shade of pink.

“It’s the new body wash.”

“Oh? I haven’t seen it in the shower.”

“You should try it,” Sehun dips for another kiss. “We should try it together.”

 Jongin was stripping to shower first when he felt Sehun’s arms around his waist. The boy with the lighter hair couldn’t resist the desire to touch those bare ripples. Jongin’s back ended up hitting the mattress. It’s all gentle. Everything is always so gentle and it’s just what Sehun needs.

It’s been several months now, not too many. More often than not, Sehun’s felt like he’s living on cloud nine. Jongin’s patience seems to have no end. He’s voiced his worry more than once, that Jongin might get frustrated and unhappy with all of Sehun’s baggage. But Jongin just kisses him and says that he has all the time in the world.

In some mysterious way, Jongin’s insides have shifted. He’s a very passionate person who often makes no effort to contain his emotions or desires and Sehun knows that. Now, he feels indescribable love and with it comes this god-send patience. All that really seems to matter to him is that Sehun recovers, that Sehun goes back to being his magnificent self, that Sehun feels loved, treasured.

What he’s always been adamant about refraining from, even when Sehun’s asked, is sex. He’s seen how squirmy Sehun gets at the mention of sex alone, when someone makes a reference or a joke, when a movie is slightly more graphic.  His time working for Kwang Ho seems to have imprinted deep troubling conceptions.

One time they were having lunch and Sehun’s tuna sandwich was soggy and gross and he kept muttering under his breath about it, how can they put the tomatoes on the bread, what is this watery mayo, fucking hell, a man can’t have proper lunch anywhere these days.

“Do you ever shut your whiny mouth?” Luhan asked casually. Junmyeon who was just about to offer to get Sehun a new sandwich shot him a savage look.

“Ya, he’s been like this all week, my ears grew hair listening to that monotonous voice. He needs a good long dicking, will fix his mood just right,” Chanyeol nodded to Jongin, eyes wide and innocent. Baekhyun groaned and Luhan and Jongdae hummed approvingly.

Needless to say, Sehun’s muttering ceased immediately with a sharp breath that everyone but Jongin missed. He flushed redder than Junmyeon and focused on his sandwich, feeling more disgusting than the soggiest parts of his sandwich, as though he’d been exposed. When his hand met Jongin’s halfway, Jongin was angered to find it trembling.

Jongin wouldn’t for the world be the cause of this kind of discomfort for his boyfriend. He knows it will improve, in time, and because he has learned that calm and consistent works best with Sehun, he is willing to provide the comfort, support and love needed. He _wants_ it, all of it, all the way, anything with Sehun. Jongin, who has never been with a boy, wants all of Sehun in every possible way, but is glad to wait for as long as he needs to.

They are at the point now where certain things are okay. Sehun is so grateful and happy that it’s somewhat easier for him to find the strength to turn his back on the flashbacks. One day he walked in on Jongin jerking off to something on his laptop and Jongin scrambled to cover himself up and Sehun hesitated and they stared at each other for a long moment. It wasn’t anything new between them, but with the updates to their relationship it was different. Finally, Sehun dropped his bag by the door and asked Jongin quietly if he needed a hand before moving to kneel by his bed. They went through the necessary and endearing routine where the black-haired male tells him he doesn’t have to do it and Sehun shakes his head and then eases him back into hardness. He stroked him to a draining orgasm, better than he’d had in a long time, but Jongin swallowed his moans, so Sehun tried to pry them out with kisses. As sad as the associations were, Sehun really knew how to do things like that.

“I’m so tired though,” Jongin whines, covering his eyes with a veiny hand. Sehun nudges it away with his nose. He’s just smiling, eyes sparkling. Jongin can’t resist, “Pabo…I love you.”

The crescents that the smile has turned Sehun’s eyes into narrow even more. The two kiss tenderly before Sehun helps Jongin up and they enter the shower together. They share slow kisses which turn hungry as the two boys try to give each other release under the warm spray.

☀ ☀ ☀

It’s all fun and games – the Beagle line bonding, being immature together, zoo time with Chen, seeing Chen every day, special talks with Chen, Chen’s hugs, Chen’s soft fingers, Chen’s laugh, that feeling of belonging with Chen. Until Baekhyun’s heart starts doing summersaults again every time Chen says his name. Until Jongdae’s pre-orgasmic thoughts start seeping into his regular thoughts when he’s around Baekhyun, start clicking with the actual sight of Baekhyun. Baekhyun is scared and Jongdae really doesn’t want to go through this again. They’re really good friends and Chanyeol’s the gay one, not Baekhyun, and Jongdae has no intention of ruining this over some stupid crush.

Baekhyun sees his chance at one of the very few games of Luhan’s team which he attends. Her name is Taeyeon and is what, under normal circumstances, Baekhyun would have called stunning. For reasons unknown, he is reluctant to pursue the opportunity at first, only starting a tentative friendship.

Jongdae doesn’t get a distinct opportunity. The zoo becomes a funereal place for him – empty alleys and enclosures, piles of melting dirty snow, steely skies. Jongdae’s winter duties are various and quite interesting, be they feeding the animals or helping the vet from a distance or making sure the animals who need to be inside are feeling comfortable. Baekhyun doesn’t visit anymore – because of the weather – so he can’t share the experience with him. He brings him and Chanyeol boxes from _Sweet Bites_ a couple of times and they polish them together, but he realizes that perhaps staying away for a bit now is better, especially with winter break approaching.

 

“I saw Jongdae make out with Tao at the club last night,” Chanyeol says one Saturday morning, stretched out in bed. “I’m pretty sure they left together. Interesting bunch, those two.” And this is Jongdae’s chance that has always been there.

Baekhyun doesn’t even skip a beat. He pulls his other shoe on, neglecting the laces and gets up, “Right, well, I’m gonna go get a lemonade. Do you want anything?” leaving absolutely no trace of an impression that he might care one bit about who gets to kiss Chen’s curved lips, who Jongdae likes giving himself to. As he leaves the room, his heart thuds in his chest and he feels like he’s burning from head to toe.

So he fights his reluctance and goes on a date. And another one, no matter how much he’s not feeling it. Meanwhile, as Chanyeol’s guitar strumming gets gloomier, he waddles stuck to the waist in a swamp of troubling thoughts. Taeyeon is nice and all, so how come he doesn’t feel anything but a faint sexual attraction? How come with her he only gets a stirring in his groin every now and then and with Chen his whole body tingles whenever Chen shows his Tiny Cutie side? I mean, how does that even make sense? Because, according to the testimony a lot of boys questioning their sexuality go through, Baekhyun is not gay. How could he be? He’s always liked girls and girls only because Chanyeol’s the gay one and Chanyeol’s the only one who’s been a little more special to Baekhyun, they’ve always been best friends, after all. But he just respects Chen so much. How couldn’t he? Chen is just the kind of kitty that would be bought the first day it gets to the pet store. The kind of guy everyone can only admire. It’s not okay to feel so…enamoured with him though. Taeyeon is the one he’s supposed to be pining over, not that he’s pining over Chen, but it’s still—

And so Baekhyun is lost in a vicious circle of thoughts that only gets worse at night when he sometimes jacks off in bed and it’s Chen that floods his mind and he feels so dirty after he cums.

❄❄❄

The whole world is overcast because Chen seems distant. Baekhyun shouldn’t even be noticing things like that in his friendship with anyone but Chanyeol, but Chen has abandoned physical contact with him almost completely. He always looks busy, like there’s a lot on his mind, and Baekhyun wants to know what that is, but Chen doesn’t seem likely to open up. Even Chanyeol complains about it. Besides, Baekhyun tries to occupy himself with Taeyeon most of the time, so his concern over his friendship with Tiny Zookeeper is shoved aside.

The last two weeks before Christmas are a sticky cold mess of misery that seems to drag on forever through Baekhyun forcing himself to enjoy the hell out of his time with Taeyeon, practices for the musical and awkward McDonald’s breakfasts with Chen. Baekhyun feels like he’s trying to get out of the swamp but every step sends him under the surface because his legs are engulfed by the slime and mud. His final desperate lunge is the night he spends in Taeyeon’s room. It fails so spectacularly that Baekhyun just shuts it out of his mind, pretends that he pictured none of those images of Chen’s back arching or Chen’s lips around his dick.

He’s just so tired.

“I’m really not feeling it though…” he whines to Chanyeol two days before the Christmas performance when. “I’m gonna call her to cancel. I wanna get some sleep too.”

“Ah, Baekhyun-ah, what’s this, you haven’t dated for so long…!” Chanyeol stares at him. “She’s just your type, come on!”

But Baekhyun doesn’t see her anymore. In the meantime, Jongdae is trying to swallow the cynical bile in his mouth because he is once again in love with great straight guy who is now seeing someone and that someone is very, very different from Jongdae.

❄❄❄

The title of the musical is _Miracles In December_.  Beagle line finds it hilarious, though they each keep that to themselves.

Junmyeon is wearing a sky-blue sweater with delicate vanilla snowflakes on one shoulder. He breathes deeply after fixing his make up, then approaches his cast and teachers who are cluttered by the stage, practicing in pairs or individually. He speaks to each one of them with final directions, reminders and assurance. His own hands are trembling subtly. His mother is in the audience. As the lights go out in the auditorium, he opens a bottle of Valerian. In a whisper, Baekhyun asks if he can have a few of the pills.

In all honesty, Baekhyun doesn’t want to go out there. With all that has been weighing on him, he doesn’t trust himself with performing properly. He watches the auditorium absent-mindedly from the side of the stage as it fills up. Kyungsoo is the only one who sees the way his face brightens up when Jongdae arrives and waves timidly. After Jongdae is Chanyeol whose wave is a swooping one and Baekhyun chuckles, until his eyes fall on Jongin and Sehun on the row right behind Chanyeol and Chen. Jongin is just throwing his arm around Sehun’s wide shoulders. Baekhyun retreats.

The leading performance is also titled “Miracles In December”. Baekhyun and Kyungsoo sing side by side while Yixing plays the piano. Around them are gorgeous ballerinas. True to the nature of the song, Baekhyun and Kyungsoo’s faces are solemn. Baekhyun is terrified that his voice might give out the tremble of his insides. He is flooded with emotions, unable to look at Chen in the audience. He doesn’t catch the way Jongdae’s fingers ghost across his face and wipe his eyes.

Memories flood both of them. It’s just so pitiful that things have to be this way.

❄❄❄

The polar bears’ exhibit has always been Baekhyun’s favorite. Jongdae has an affinity for it too nowadays.

It is a large enclosure, rock on all sides, except for the places where panels are installed for the visitors to view the largest species of bears in the world. The bears have plenty of space to climb and hide. The large pool is mostly frozen now which is, of course, not problematic for the animals. In order for the guests to watch the spectacle of the bears’ diving and swimming, the path encircling the enclosure dips into the ground so that it is lower than the level of the water.

“I’m still not convinced that Kodiak bears aren’t larger, you know,” Jongdae says after settling on the bench next to Baekhyun.

A smile crosses Baekhyun’s pink lips, “When have you seen a Kodiak bear, Chen? Hm? You saw what the encyclopedia said.”

“Yeah, it said that it’s disputable if-“

“ _It said it’s disputable if weh weh,”_ Baekhyun mocks, though feebly. Jongdae laughs.

They watch as one of the bears dives into the clear water with a powerful lunge and Jongdae gasps in awe. Baekhyun glances at him with a sad smile. His winter uniform isn’t as magnificent, though the fluffy jacket does make him seem adorably tiny.

“I brought your gift,” Baekhyun says, reaching into the spacious pocket of his parka and bringing out a rectangular box.

“Ah, I got yours as well.”

Baekhyun opens the plastic bag and retrieves a black T-shirt. He starts chuckling as soon as he unfolds it. A huge terrifying ostrich head stares at him from the front of the shirt; on the back are a bunch of ostrich facts Chen style, such as “Hungry? Ostriches have three stomachs.” or “Beware! An ostrich’s kick could potentially kill a human.” Just as Baekhyun finds the bouquet of organic lollipops at the bottom of the bag, Chen bleats next to him, indicating that he’s opened his present.

“Baekhyun-ah, what the hell!” there’s a huge smile on his lips and Baekhyun is giggling again.

Chen is holding picture frame. Inside it is a collage of two stitched together photos. An alpaca is on the left, with Chen’s grinning face photoshopped over its head, and a giraffe on the right, with Baekhyun’s head.

“Have me, Chen!” Baekhyun thrusts himself in Chen’s side, dropping his head on his shoulder.

“Why do you get to be the giraffe!” Chen turns to look at the beaming face centimeters from his.

 “You’re a total camel, but I thought I’d be nice and have you be an alpaca, they’re cuter…”

Chen almost throws him off the bench.

It feels effortless and brilliant for a few moments, until the two settle back into an oblivious wistful silence.

❄

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feedback would be massively appreciated!


	3. Sexual Selection

What happens between Jongdae and Baekhyun – the endless admiration they have for each other, the uncontrollable attraction – is a matter nobody suspects of. Nobody with the exception of Do Kyungsoo, but even he doesn’t begin to see it clearly until much later.

Nobody ever suspects because the two never let themselves slip. They never catch each other’s stolen glances, never pay much thought to the lingering touches, never trail off right before saying something that might give away their true emotions. Every time they share a moment of fondness, they smile at each other for just the appropriate amount of time and then look away as though the moment was important and great but nothing to dwell on. It takes effort on both parts, but it’s brilliantly effective.

☀ ☀ ☀

Christmas, along with the whole winter break, is sad, so sad. Time spent with family provides a great distraction for some time, making things cozy and warm, but then they’re back to a confusing mess. Baekhyun and Chanyeol who live in neighboring houses spend most of the time together, playing cards, listening to music or just lying around sighing their lungs out. A link is missing. They barely find it in themselves to go ice skating once and then, for the first time in their lives, they practically have to drag themselves to a New Year’s party. Chanyeol leaves drunk and happy because an exceptionally nice fellow blows him and slips him his phone number with a brilliant smile. Baekhyun leaves drunk and grumpy because he just doesn’t care. He’s just so tired, he just wants—just—

Sehun goes to his aunt for the holidays. She isn’t too happy to see him, as usual, but because she’s probably going to die alone anyway, she reluctantly accepts him for such occasions. It’s not nearly pleasant, but Sehun is used to it. It’s a warm bed and a roof. Her cooking isn’t too bad either. Nothing compared to Jongin’s mother’s skills, however.

Sehun spends the last days of winter break in Jongin’s house, elated to be part of his boyfriend’s family at least for a few days – because that’s what Jongin’s mother makes him feel like, like he is a member of their small household. The apartment is actually by no means small. Kim Ye Rin runs a chain of restaurants which has provided her and Jongin with a more than stable income since the divorce, fifteen years ago. She, naturally, doesn’t know about “the shame Sehun brought upon his family”, a family so similar to Jongin’s.

Jongin and Sehun are probably the only ones whose arteries pump truly warm blood this winter. They take happy walks through snowy parks and make out pressed to trees, hidden from view. They can’t get enough of each other, of how good they both look in long winter coats, of how wonderful it is to soak in the other’s warmth after the numbing cold.

Big families are usually loud and colorful. Junmyeon’s family is no exception. They are not fans of strict tradition, nor are they too courteous at gatherings – but Junmyeon has learned to live with that because one should accept their family as it is. He always reprimands himself for being so pretentious when it comes to his relatives. He sometimes thinks that his uncle and cousins are rude, heartless pricks who don’t deserve the kind of splendor they live in, but he buys them small, neatly wrapped gifts anyway because viewing your relatives in such a way is inappropriate and wrong.

The single family gathering during the winter break goes well. Junmyeon is…happy. His parents mention his excellent work at university, as well as his musicals. His mother gives an unbiased evaluation and that is fine because constructive criticism helps you improve and Junmyeon will certainly know where to work harder in the future.

Two days, or perhaps three, before returning to school, Baekhyun starts feeling a revelation bubbling up inside of him. It feel like he is on the edge of something big and potentially good, but something inside doesn’t want to do the final tumble, holds back until everything is so strained that Baekhyun starts groaning and punching things for no reason at all. He just misses Chen so much. He misses everything about him, even the twisting feeling he gets in his stomach when he sees his best friend’s radiant smile.

When the epiphany comes, it is simple and vastly relieving. What he misses the most about Chen is the companionship. The feeling of belonging. Everything else, all those notions that make him feel dirty or tangled in turmoil, is of much less significance. He just misses his best friend. He misses the link that makes Beagle line complete. Screw everything else. Who cares if he’s got a tiny crush on him. He had the same with Chanyeol, in the beginning, too. Baekhyun is just very loving and gets attached very easily. He’ll just have to get used to the lunges that his insides do every now and then when he is around Chen. It’s a small price to pay just to be around another walking package of joy and mischief like himself and Chanyeol.

☀ ☀ ☀

“Are you being an armadillo too?” Jongdae snorts, letting himself in.

“You can’t touch me here, nothing can,” Chanyeol rumbles from where his duvet armor is encasing him on Baekhyun’s bed.

Jongdae proves him wrong by dropping his full weight on top of him, toppling him over as he yelps.

He gets the sulking puppy back to his initial position after, “Where’s Baekhyun?”

“Beats me. I think he should be back soon.”

“What happened to you?”

Chanyeol sighs deeply and smiles in embarrassment, “Just. Things. You know.”

Jongdae laughs and elbows him, “Stuff too?”

The red haired armadillo doesn’t catch the reference.

“Jongdae…as one gay man to another, can I ask you for advice?” he says.

Jongdae blinks with an awkward smile. It flows into a welcoming one – they’ve known each other for some months now, but they’ve never talked about guys much which is beyond weird and what better time to start than now.

“I met someone over winter break,” Chanyeol starts, burying his fingers in his hair. “We didn’t even really…get to know each other at first, we met at a party, you know? But he was nice and handsome. He really made an impression on me. But I didn’t want to call him or anything like that because I was leaving home again in a few days, so what could even happen, right? Only I couldn’t stop thinking about him, so I texted him and now…I don’t know. I really like him. I think he really likes me too.”

“So what’s the problem?” Jongdae is confused.

“Ya, let me finish!” Chanyeol is, in turn, offended.

“I’m sorry.”

Chanyeol tries to bump his shoulder clumsily. He sighs, “He’s not up for a distance thing. I’m not either, to be honest. But that’s not even it, I’m not that bummed about him, it’s just…I don’t know, I haven’t been in a proper relationship in years…” his voices deflates. “Sex and one night stands are great, but not always, I guess. Like I just— _want_ …someone, you know?”

“Yeah, I know what you mean,” Jongdae nods sadly.

“Even a fling would be fine. Like, a proper one,” Chanyeol looks so miserable that Jongdae throws an arm around him and drops his head on the boy’s shoulder. “I don’t understand why it never works out. There’s always something that ruins it.”

Jongdae catches the implications that Chanyeol very much thinks he himself might be that something. Although they’ve been as thick as thieves for the past several months, he feels guilty upon realizing that because he thinks back to the first time they met.

“Try to think of it this way maybe then…all the times it didn’t work out, that’s just build up. Does that make sense?” Jongdae lifts his head to meet his friend’s eyes. “It’s like…it’s building up to something really good and big.”

Chanyeol studies him. He isn’t sure if he can believe that.

Eventually, Jongdae fits himself into the duvet’s side again. They talk about their experiences some more and it feels good. Being people who don’t open up as often, they both feel relieved. Chanyeol learns that Jongdae and Tao had an on and off thing for almost two years. He gets the impression that Jongdae ended the relationship because Tao is just too…multifaceted for him. Apparently, he is giving him a chance again now, for reasons undisclosed.

“I’m glad I could talk to you like this,” Chanyeol smiles, now leaning his weight on Jongdae, as his position inside his fort has gotten too uncomfortable. He chuckles, “Baekhyun is too straight to talk about things like that.”

Jongdae chuckles too. He is glad that Chanyeol can’t see his face.

“Speak of the devil,” Jongdae says when a minute later the door swings open and a laughing Baekhyun struts in, followed by Kyungsoo. Jongdae goes a little rigid – he hadn’t planned to hang around for long, especially not with Baekhyun present.

“Stop calling me that, I  _told_ you I’m not a Satanist!” Kyungsoo cries, arms spread in exasperation. Chanyeol starts laughing so hard that he falls over in his cocoon and Baekhyun comes to pound his fists on his side.

“Kyungsoo, when will you make me an omelette again?” Baekhyun chirps, flopping down next to Chanyeol. “Right now is a good time.”

Kyungsoo seats himself in a spinning chair, “How difficult is it to learn to fry some eggs, Baekhyun?”

“Chen can’t do it either,” Baekhyun says, wiggling his eyebrows with a grin at Jongdae.

“Kyungsoo, you should try teaching them, you’re better at explaining than me,” Chanyeol suggests. “I tried showing Baekhyun how to make scrambled eggs one time and he just—“

“Let bygones be bygones,” Baekhyun interrupts wisely.

“I could use some improvement on my cooking skills,” Jongdae muses.

“Kyungsoo is going to hold a lesson for us then. Let’s do it!” Baekhyun grins and Jongdae is puzzled by his warmness.

 

When the time comes for Chef Kyungsoo to reluctantly accept Beagle line into the dorm kitchen area, Jongdae is still puzzled. Baekhyun seems to be back to the state of a walking ball of cheer. It makes Jongdae’s heart flutter in the best and worst way possible because he has to try even harder to be distant.

He can’t help himself sometimes, though, like when Kyungsoo says they need to wear aprons and there’s only one extra apron and he has to chase Baekhyun around the table for it and engage in a super serious dispute about who deserves to wear it.

“I’m older than you, Chen! That settles it!” Baekhyun holds out his hand to Jongdae who is already putting on the checkered apron.

“Will you stop this, let’s start already, I swear to God! Ah, my shoulder’s acting up again…” Kyungsoo cries from where he’s placing pans on the stoves. Next to him is Chanyeol, scanning the recipe Kyungsoo’s picked.

“This isn’t about age, Baekhyun-ah, it’s about skill! I’m more skilled than you!”

“Oh, just give me that…!” Baekhyun snatches the apron from Jongdae’s hands and a ripping sound stills everyone.

The apron is suddenly in Kyungsoo’s hands. One of the seams connecting the loop for the head with the rest of the apron is almost completely torn.

“How the hell am I supposed to fix this, you morons?” Kyungsoo’s fury is met with guilty silence. “Now neither of you gets to wear this. I hope you get grease all over your clothes.”

He struts back to the stove, eyes wider than usual. Chanyeol grins at his cuteness made overwhelming by the crimson apron with a bowl of noodles in the middle tied neatly along his body.

“ ‘Creamy pesto shrimp spaghetti’? Isn’t this a little advanced for them?” Chanyeol asks while Baekhyun leans in to try to make a secret pact with Jongdae against the red-haired boy.

Kyungsoo throws him a questioning glance while stacking red peppers on one end of the large cutting board, “What’s so complicated about it?”

“I just feel like maybe they should start with something simpler.”

“I want to have a nice dinner tonight. I promised Junmyeon-hyung I’d make him these. We’ll fry some eggs too.”

“ You really have no idea how bad Baekhyun is…”

Kyungsoo sighs deeply and rubs his shoulder.

He discovers just how bad both Baekhyun and Jongdae are not long after and only assigns them to simple tasks such as draining the pasta. His gaze lingers on them every now and then, interested by the way the two seem to be able to fuck up everything together, giggling and flipping each other off. Junmyeon joins them too, rubbing his tired eyes as he opens a can of coke.

“ _Why is life so hard_?” Chen cries, turning to Baekhyun with tears threatening to spill out of his red eyes and a knife in hand.

“Are you actually crying?”

“I’m not, but these onions are terrible,” he returns to chopping, blinking furiously. He looks up and grimaces, pleading with the gods above, “Fuck, how are you supposed to do this without burning your eyes out?!”

“Don’t be a baby, let me try,” Baekhyun grabs the knife from his hands but he’s soon yelling about his stinging eyes too and Jongdae laughs at him and Kyungsoo shakes his head disapprovingly, but both he and Junmyeon are fond.

Jongdae isn’t one to be coaxed or teased into anything. He has a firm grip on his thoughts and emotions in the sense that he’s aware enough of everything to make decision taking easier. But he finds himself having way too much fun for someone who is trying to be distant. And so, he decides that perhaps it’s going to be okay because Baekhyun is great and just loves physical affection and is just really funny and…maybe he can deal with his crush for the sake of their friendship.

After all, if he’s as thick as thieves with Chanyeol, he’s as thick as two thin snugly fit lego bricks with Baekhyun.

☀ ☀ ☀

There is so much that Jongin and Sehun want to say to each other, but they just can’t. So much apart from everything they already share, of course. And what stops them is nothing all  _that_  worrying, but it just is.

 _I want you_ , Jongin wants to say. He feels the sensation bubbling inside of him so often now, a wave of affection and lust rising with those words floating on top. They are just three simple words, yet they seem to be the only ones that even remotely fit what Jongin feels. He’s never thought about his sexual orientation much because, for one, he has always been too busy, and then, it always felt like what the time comes he’ll find someone and the gender of that someone would by default be female. His love for Sehun seems natural, nevertheless, like something that has been inside of him for long and is only growing. Yet the sheer size of his attraction to Sehun blows his mind. His load too. He wants to be with Sehun in the most intimate way possible and give him the best experience anyone could ever imagine. All that while he, as he is sure is bound to happen, passes out from the best orgasm of his life.

At times of mild to great arousal, triggered by the natural rhythm of his libido or by Sehun’s existence, Jongin realizes that there will most likely never be a time when he will shove his Sehun against a wall, overpowered by a need to feel his lips, to slide his hands down his smooth chest, to…fuck him right then and there; he will never get a blowjob from Sehun’s astoundingly skilled lips while speeding down a highway. These are concepts that spring into Jongin’s mind, things he  _wants_ , but his readiness to dismiss them stuns him. It is as though two equally pure and demanding by nature forces are clashing inside of him – his innate coveting for hectic, passionate acts that test limits and manifest the fiery turmoil embedded in Jongin’s nature, against the soothing flow of his patience stemming from his unbelievably understanding, caring love for Sehun.

And yet Sehun’s hands and mouth, his leisurely, satisfying motions seem to be more than enough. Even if Jongin is ablaze whole in a need to yank and slam and bite, a taste of Sehun’s tranquility and a glimpse of his efforts are enough to put out the burn. Replace it with a breezy happiness.

Jongin has never been a big fan of porn, but now he finds his eyes curiously glued to the screen as he plays a relatively softcore gay porn video. And another, more diverse one. Stroking himself in his shorts isn’t comfortable, but when he cums on his abs with a soft moan, it’s satisfying enough, curious. He has had the luck to stumble upon an amateur video where the men have some chemistry – the kisses they plant down each other’s jawlines seem genuine. Jongin’s thoughts drift to Sehun. He wants to do all of that with Sehun. He is aware of his desire. He is a man who people like to dub as “sex god” but who isn’t big on sexuality. A man who now only has eyes for another man.

It all comes down to Oh Sehun. Oh Sehun and his new tendency to tuck his button down shirts in his tight trousers and look all mature and criminally handsome. Oh Sehun and all the times he looks like a smoking hot innocent teenage model. Jongin hates himself for allowing such thoughts in, but he truly understands why Sehun had so many clients.

 

 _I want you to fuck me,_  Sehun wants to say,  _I want you to make me yours_. And it’s partially true – he does want to go all the way, truly, for Jongin’s sake, but his own too; and although he already is Jongin’s as, he hopes, Jongin is his, it would be an act of formal, most intimate confirmation. He knows uttering that would get Jongin going, knows it’s all he needs to do to set the mood. But the words just won’t roll off his tongue – it’s like they’re physically stuck to its tip and won’t come out no matter how hard he tries.

On one hand, he thinks he is ready. Ever since he first met Jongin, he’s “had the hots for him”, as he would have put it before. Nobody could deny that Jongin is one of the best looking guys on the planet, in the Solar System and, probably, the galaxy too. He is the full package: chiseled, unblemished face that can go from lust to fluff in a second, a smile that can melt your heart, a body that might have a God covering up, a rich personality and a kind heart. He can be the definition of ‘handsome’, ‘hot’ and ‘gorgeous’ at the same time. And now that he and Sehun have this thing, Sehun often finds himself blushing head to toe at the realization that he has exclusive access to all of that. That it would be considered normal for him to trace his fingertips down Jongin’s chest in awe after Jongin has had a full-costume rehearsal in a tight suit. That it would be fine if he stared at where things are well outlined on the front of Jongin’s trousers – that it might even make Jongin laugh in embarrassment.

He wants to stop feeling like shit because he is unable to repay this man who gives him everything. His bestest friend in the whole world who makes him feel whole and okay again. He is unable to satisfy Jongin and fulfill his needs the way a partner is supposed to. Jongin keeps telling him that he is perfectly fine with how things are, but Jongin doesn’t  _get_ it because Sehun is never nearly as eloquent as he wants to be and he just wants to give himself to the dancer. It’s odd that the ultimate act of gratitude should be lovemaking but it never crosses Sehun’s mind that this might be an unnecessary fixation.

On the other hand, one thing Sehun never wants to hear is the slapping of skin on skin. And he still feels like he might just collapse into a puddle of nothing so often when sex is brought up. And he knows that Jongin knows, but does Jongin know? And if Jongin knows, does he care enough? And if Jongin doesn’t know, what will Jongin be like? Because Jongin loves him and Jongin is everything, but Jongin is Jongin and Sehun finds it so difficult to trust things.

☀ ☀ ☀

Junmyeon narrows his eyes at the lower right angle of his sketch. He checks his calculations again and, for the third time, erases several lines, outlining them anew. Then, he applies the changes to the sketch on his laptop. He rubs his eyes.

It is 9:30 in the evening. He hasn’t had dinner yet, having remained focused on his project for the past three hours, ever since he got back from rehearsal. He finishes the last of his coffee, hoping it will take him through at least another hour of solid work – he really doesn’t want to doze off on his desk again.

His phone rings and it’s Kyungsoo. No, he won’t be there for the late dinner, but can Kyungsoo get something for him?

He settles into his chair. He chews lightly on the top of his automatic pencil. His glasses with the black rims have slipped lower on his nose and the expression of concentration makes his natural handsomeness stand out tenfold. He forces them back up. He flips the page of his notebook and focuses on the calculations for the upper support beams. The final measures are already ordered in a small, neat box on the right side of the page, yet he goes through his work again to make sure he hasn’t missed anything. He applies the new additions to the sketch, then to the one on his laptop, then goes back to his calculations, only to start the cycle again.

When he is done with four of the beams, he pauses his methodical work with an almost unnoticeable clench of frustration. His fingers and wrist hurt, his glasses have slipped down the bridge of his nose. Fifteen minutes ago he was looking forward to finishing the beams so he can start one of the most special parts of his project: the second floor front porch. Now, he is in more pain and almost consumed by frustration, his motivation close to depletion. He knows the culprit is probably the endless meticulousness. Does he really need to check his calculations for the third time? Does he really need to spend so much time fixing his lines? Probably not. No, he doesn’t.

Junmyeon sits back in his chair and tries to straighten out his spine. He considers abandoning the beams for now and just focusing on the porch – and with less unnecessary attention to detail. The idea caresses the heavy cast of his tiredness and threatens to soften, if not dissolve it. Letting things be has worked more often than not, especially since Junmyeon still doesn’t leave anything unchecked. Yet perfection has got him this far. Striving for it, at least.

If he was really perfect, Sehun would like him. Because Sehun has a refined taste and high expectations. And although he’s never done more to show his feelings than compliment Sehun’s hair or his “aegyo”, Junmyeon knows that Sehun is not interested in him because Junmyeon is just. not. good. enough.

Junmyeon takes off his glasses and massages his eyes, trying not to think about all his responsibilities while also trying not to spiral down into self-destructive thoughts. Yet he’s already firmly seated on that wagon.

He wonders how Sehun’s doing. Is Sehun doing schoolwork? Has he had dinner? Junmyeon’s heart squeezes at the thought of a tired, hungry Sehun, his own empty stomach long forgotten. His thoughts go dark. Is Sehun maybe practicing for a dance performance? Or is Jongin fucking him right now? Who knows, maybe Sehun is the one doing the fucking…

Junmyeon takes a deep wheezing breath and stands up from his chair, rubbing his eyes. He feels warm and his eyes are burning and he is right on the verge of crying from exhaustion. The strain is annihilating the last of his good health.

He splashes cold water on his face and sits on the edge of his bed. Kyungsoo should be coming back anytime now, with dinner. Junmyeon considers just laying on his bed until he can devour his dinner quickly and return to his work. He  _needs_ to start the porch tonight, he  _needs_ to do as much work as he can. He has to. Yet his muscles feel too heavy and melting with tiredness and he closes his eyes. Part of him wants darkness to overwhelm him, while another wants to just—just  _talk_ to someone, maybe it will help, maybe…

Talk about what, Junmyeon? Kyungsoo probably has things of his own to worry about. He’s kind enough to bring dinner, he shouldn’t have to be burdened even more with Junmyeon’s problems.

When Junmyeon doesn’t even  _know_ what problems he’s referring to. All he knows is that something is keeping him from doing his work perfectly, and that is a  _massive_ problem.

Then there’s Tao. Who always…who tends to have a gentle way of making him feel better.

Junmyeon reaches for his phone and hopes for the best.

☀ ☀ ☀

Spring saunters in later than expected with blooms and caressing breezes, and Baekhyun has been waiting for it. He is ready.

His readiness constitutes in his plan, already set motion, to get a job at the zoo and work alongside Jongdae. Now, it might seem dumb for several reasons. Baekhyun, however, pointedly ignores those because his gut is telling him that he is going to have fun.

What he isn’t prepared for is the glint of a stud in Chen’s ear which meets his eyes the moment Chen sits himself down at their lunch table.

“What the fuck?” he inquires. Chanyeol looks up from his textbook, cheeks full of makchang, and Kyungsoo looks up from  _The Road_  by Cormac McCarthy, and Luhan leans closer.

Chen raises his perfect eyebrows in question while filling his glass with coke.

“It looks good. Wow, it fits you,” Luhan comments, studying the stud.

“Oh, this?” Chen points to his ear. “Yeah.”

Baekhyun is floored. Chen looks so ridiculously handsome – now that the tousled waviness of his hair is topped with an earring – that Baekhyun wants to throw up because he’s used to this but he’s also really not, he’s so  _sick_ of this.

He turns back to his lunch, determined not to say another word, but then Chanyeol compliments Chen’s new look as well and Baekhyun finds himself reaching for the face that haunts his most private thoughts. At first, Jongdae is startled to have Baekhyun’s fingers on his ear, but then leans closer.

“It’s great, isn’t it?” he says as Baekhyun fits the stud between his fingers. Fuck this.

 

In the weeks to come, Baekhyun finds himself distracted by the earring entirely too often. After he learns that Chen used to wear one before but took it off because of an infection, he begins to sometimes wonder if the return of the stud has something to do with Tao. But honestly, that is none of his business.

What  _is_ very much his business is how great working at the zoo is. The pay isn’t that big, but it’s enough and the job is just fabulous. His first week or two he spends in training under Chen’s scrutiny. By the third day, Chen seems to have loosened up about the idea of Baekhyun working with him. He had been strangely reluctant to help him get the job up until the last moment.

“Baekhyun,  _please_ , you can’t wear this, you have to wear your uniform!” Jongdae implores with a grin that shouldn’t be there.

Baekhyun is wearing loose shorts that don’t reach his knee. The trick is that they’re so colorful your eyes might start hurting. It’s not that Baekhyun has anything against his uniform – on the contrary, he thinks he looks impeccable in it (quite a bit like Chen). Jongdae agrees very much. Especially sometimes when he is alone in the shower.

“But why, Chen! The kids will love me!”

“I don’t want you getting fired on your third day, alright!”

“Why, you gonna miss me?”

“Of course I’m gonna miss you,” Chen replies, buttoning the last button on his shirt. “Who else is gonna sneak out to bring me fruit cakes?”

At first, for Baekhyun working with Chen is mostly about the work itself. Suddenly, Baekhyun has access to almost all nooks of the zoo, attends staff briefings, helps with the rescued animals in the research center, devours Chen’s brochures so he can lecture visitors just as well as his senior zoo educator. He is ecstatic almost, skipping from building to building, bringing his Chen even more cupcakes, purely out of the goodness of his heart (and not as trading currency for English homework). The job certainly has its drawbacks – the hours are a lot and, with his rehearsals, often leave him little time to focus on schoolwork before he nods off; his boss is way too uptight and irksome – but Baekhyun just feels so useful, like he hasn’t felt at a job before, and Chen by his side makes everything a thousand times lighter.

Things are slightly harder on Jongdae. In spite of how fun it is to be showing Baekhyun the ropes and having his hyperactive best friend share the excitement of working at the zoo, Jongdae is falling for him more and more and it stings. So he is thankful for how warm Baekhyun is because it helps him ignore the sting when he knows that he can’t kiss those always-in-motion lips or have all that cuteness to himself.

☀ ☀ ☀

“What’s that? Another?” the bartender leans in, trying to hear over the throb of the music, and Chanyeol nods.

Two fresh ice cubes clink into the glass before the bartender extends his toned arm and tips the bottle of whiskey. Chanyeol can’t wait to feel it burn its way down his throat and add another layer to the haze in his mind. He slides two crumpled bills across the bar. The bartender winks at him as he takes them. Chanyeol sighs. The man’s handsome smile only adds to the weight of the sticky mess dripping sadly down the sides of his heart.

☀ ☀ ☀

As time progresses, an interesting phenomenon takes place between Jongdae and Baekhyun. It is a parallel development of their feelings – for each other – which is characterized by a tendency to cause epiphanies. It results in similar levels of awareness, but opposite reactions.

Baekhyun knows something is up. He has known it since the day he met Chen.  _We_  know all about how he fought it and repressed it and tried to throw it under a bus and then embraced it. The stage he’s at now resembles nurturing it. It is as though he is cradling those feelings to his chest and feeding them only the most special warm milk, with how much time he spends with Chen, how he doesn’t limit physical contact. Baekhyun remembers everything Chen tells him, everything Chen does. He puts so much effort into everything related to Chen that it’s worrying because Baekhyun is  _not_ the type of person to put effort into relationships. Social things happen effortlessly for him. Chanyeol is the only person he’s ever consciously tried for.

Jokes aside, he’s starting to think that he might really have contracted something from Chanyeol.

 

Baekhyun first learns about Jongdae’s love for Disney movies when “Maleficent” comes out and his Tiny Cutie and Luhan attend the premiere. Later, Jongdae explains that he’s not obsessed with Disney or anything like that, but the movies make him a special kind of happy. He appreciates the visuals and the twists to some stories and just likes feeling like a kid every now and then.

So it’s no surprise to see Chen placing his “Maleficent” DVD in his laptop player one day when Baekhyun walks in uninvited. There’s a certain peril to barging into people’s rooms like that, but Baekhyun ignores it because part of him wants to see things he isn’t supposed to see.

“Ah, you’re gonna watch that now? Let’s go play something on the Xbox.”

“Just the two of us?”

“Yeah, I couldn’t get Sehun out of bed, Jongin went out, no one else is in,” Baekhyun replies, then does a double take. “Why?”

“I wanna watch this though, I’m tired. I made popcorn too…” Jongdae frowns apologetically, sitting back across his bed.

“I’m gonna watch with you then.”

For the first, perhaps, ten or fifteen minutes of the movie, Baekhyun, unlike Jongdae, has serious trouble concentrating. It’s the dimmed light in the room, the smell of Chen’s cologne, the way their knees are touching. Baekhyun is fully aware of how this looks. Classic romcom scene. He could  _actually totally_ just turn to the side and lean in a tiny bit and he would be kissing Jongdae.

Weird to think, huh? Well, he could just as well bite his nose off or something. It’s just an illustration of how close they are.

But then the film starts getting quite exciting.

“Those are really pretty,” Baekhyun comments on the appearance of a bunch of fairies that flutter across the screen of Jongdae’s laptop which is set upon a chair by the bed.

“Definitely. The graphics in this part are stunning.”

“Well that’s interesting. No hierarchy? No ruler? Weird how that would work, right?”

“I’m guessing that their…community doesn’t work the way animal communities do in our world.”

“Wait, isn’t this supposed to be like, in our universe?”

“Well, no, they just said it’s a whole different world. Especially the fairies’ world.”

“So don’t they explain that later on? How- why everything is so peaceful?”

“In the fairies’ world? I don’t think so. Watch though.”

“But how is that—“

“Shut up and watch, Baekhyun!”

Baekhyun shuts up about the organization of the fairy world, but, true to himself, asks for clarifications approximately every 7 minutes. You would think his remarks would be mocking or plain dumb, but he is genuinely enjoying the story and Angelina Jolie’s cryptic beauty.

“Hold on, hold on, what about Prince Charming?” Baekhyun holds up a hand.

“That’s Prince Philip, Prince Charming is Snow White’s prince.”

“But why didn’t they get together, what is this?!”

“I don’t know, that’s how they chose to have it,” Chen says, watching the credits roll. “I kind of like it though. Have you watched Frozen? They do the same thing there. And in many other Disney movies, but that’s a recent one. I mean, it turns out that true love,” he holds up his spread fingers, “isn’t romantic.”

Baekhyun watches him for a moment before reaching for a pillow, “Ah, shut up, don’t be so intellectual. Why shouldn’t romantic love win, what do you mean it isn’t true love?”

“No, I’m not saying it shouldn’t win, I meant that—The movies are basically saying that true love isn’t necessarily romantic. Besides, they just met, they’re too young. Aurora and Philip, I mean.”

Baekhyun watches the way Chen waves his hand when he’s explaining. He follows the bob of his Adam’s apple.

“Alright,” he says, then, as Chen works on closing the player and taking out his DVD, muses, “I don’t know, I kind of like the idea of love though. I mean the romantic kind. Wait, so are you saying love at first sight doesn’t exist?” Something inside of Baekhyun trembles like a leaf.

Chen pauses. His lips purse adorably, “I don’t know, I don’t know, I’ve never experienced or seen love at first sight. As far as first sights go. So I can’t say,” Baekhyun remains silent. “Also, it’s not like these movies didn’t give romantic love a chance too? Kristoff and Anna did get together. And here you just saw that Aurora and Philip do have  _something_  going on.”

Baekhyun hums and they don’t speak of it again.

☀ ☀ ☀

“Jongin,” Sehun calls in a sleepy voice. No reply comes from the bathroom. “Jongin, I’m cold. Jongin.”

Jongin walks out of the bathroom all handsomeness, tired eyes and lean arms, none of which Sehun can see because he is already snuggled in bed and ready to drift away. Jongin closes the door and grabs the covers off his bed. He spreads them over Sehun’s form, careful to pull them up to Sehun’s neck and tuck him into the warmness. His boyfriend wiggles around and sighs contently.

“Thanks,” he murmurs and Jongin smiles tiredly.

He fumbles around some more, rubbing lotion into his shins and checking his phone.

“ ‘M coming in, move,” he says to a sleeping Sehun, before dropping on the mattress and pushing Sehun towards the wall. He wraps his arms around the sleeping form and falls asleep to the faint smell of herbs soothing his nose.

 

It isn’t until a month after everything was revealed that Jongin brought up the issue of sexually transmitted diseases. The concern had been eating at him for some time and it was probably quite stupid to wait as long, but with Sehun’s healing process the prospect of raising that topic seemed impossible at the time.

Sehun looks stunned when they finally talk about it. He stammers that he hadn’t even thought about that. In few, difficult words he explains that in the beginning it hadn’t been a concern at all – Kwang Ho picked the clients to be “decent” people and later, up until some point, Sehun had still been insistent about condoms. That point marks the rapid downfall, however, and Sehun now realizes that in the abyss he’d kept no track of whether the rubbers were on or not. They most likely hadn’t been.

Jongin offers to be tested alongside Sehun, but they decide it’s pointless, though Sehun is grateful. Large hospital, lots of tests to choose from, discreet doctors, probably inflated prices. The school insurance covers the basic check ups, but after some hushed, awkward discussions Jongin and Sehun decide that it’s probably best to do the whole package of tests. Jongin pays for them – Sehun’s significant savings have been gradually melting away and, with an averted gaze, he promises that he’s going to repay his boyfriend as soon as he finds a job.

The whole experience is mortifying, but a certain resignation has worked its way into Sehun’s breathing. Jongin being by his side is both infinitely comforting and that much more embarrassing. He’s there when Sehun has to fill multiple forms about his sexual history and health. He’s there to urge him to mention all that might be relevant to the tests,  _yes, you should definitely say that you were a sex worker, Sehun, no one just has that many partners, just—please._ Jongin isn’t there when Sehun pees in a cup and Jongin definitely isn’t there when a short doctor inspects Sehun’s down-below areas with a polite smile and latex gloves while Sehun keeps his eyes tightly shut and stifles screams.

There was one man who kept coming back - there were several men who kept coming back; at first clients weren't allowed to visit more than once unless they were "reputable" people, but then that changed. He was tall and his step was light. He would strip Sehun slowly, with a delicacy that should have been sensual and not sleazy, not repulsive. He would inspect every crease, fingers brushing Sehun's sensitive skin, and click his tongue professionally and advise him in a patronizing tone, much like a doctor. After the inspection was complete, he would insert things into him and just observe the way they slid into the boy's body, what effect they had on him.

That man didn't come on a regular basis. Sehun didn't know when to expect him. Every time he opened the door to see him sitting in his chair, delicate fingers folded in his lap, the deep lines of his face shifting in a lazy smile, Sehun felt himself on the verge of blacking out.

Succumbing to a darkness that suffocated and was warm and humid made Sehun a pliant mess. The nature of his clients adjusted to the change in him. Kwang Ho was good with observations and knew how to take advantage of a situation. Some of Kwang Ho's boys - Sehun didn't really know any of them, only saw them sometimes in the bar - had guns and other means of protecting themselves, but by the time Sehun realized he might need something like that himself, he was too lost to stop the thought from floating away.

At the end of the examination which lasts only about ten minutes but seems like another eternity altogether, Sehun is sheathed in perspiration and weeping internally. He cannot manage words when the doctor offers him a business card.  _Shin Jae Yeol - Therapist,_ the card reads. It is a simple one, small, comforting ornaments swirling along the corners. The doctor has read Sehun's papers and knows.

Sehun doesn't let Jongin touch him at all that day, and the day after, wishing that Jongin wouldn't worry and would just let it be, wishing he could lock himself in a coffin of glass and sink himself to the bottom of a lake where there would only be soothing emptiness. He only speaks to him again once the results are in. Still, Jongin kisses him with overwhelming love and tenderness. It’s all that matters for some time.

All tests turn out negative. After spending 36 hours in a near-panic state because there is  _no_ way he hasn’t contracted anything, Sehun stares at the sheet in shock which renders him speechless. He scans over the words again and again, forcing himself to slow down and really read. He asks the lady from the laboratory if these could be wrong and she asks him if he has any symptoms. But he doesn’t. Perhaps, after the nightmare he went through, fate is finally working in his favor.

 

It is so much later that it first happens, months. Jongin watches "America's Best Dance Crew" with an understandable fascination and, now, Sehun watches it with him. Sehun likes to listen to Jongin comment on the dancers’ techniques, groan in awe or compare his own dancing to theirs. The dancers’ style is usually different from what Jongin is used to, but it provides the inspiration for new choreography. Recently, Sehun finds himself adopting Jongin's way of watching and doing more than just listening.

They have spent the afternoon practicing for a performance, grabbing a bite with Luhan and Jongdae and Baekhyun and then attempting to melt into Sehun's bed. They finish an episode of "America's Best Dance Crew" with Sehun tucked under Jongin's arm, almost nodding off on his chest. Once the laptop is safely on the floor, they both shuffle around under the covers, settling to face the wall while exchanging brief comments on how that one spin could be worked into their routine.

"My shins are killing me, though," Sehun mumbles, remembering the way he could practically feel the muscles on his shins stretch with exertion because of how sore they are. He pictured them as old, dry ropes on the verge of tearing. Jongin hums non-commitally.

And then Sehun exhales deeply when Jongin rests an arm around his abs. Things are okay.

Until Jongin shifts whole to fit around Sehun's form better and they both become aware of a hardness poking away from Jongin's crotch. Sehun moves his butt slightly, just to make sure it is what he thinks it is, then whispers his boyfriend's name.

"Sorry, I can't really help it," Jongin mumbles, sleepy but apologetic, shifting away. Sehun judges his tone to indicate that he doesn't really want to make it go away, but is instead trying to fall asleep.

"Jongin," he whispers after contemplation. His own dick is suddenly half-hard too. "Do you want me to do something?" A lazy something wouldn't hurt.

Jongin grunts before clumsily propping himself up on his elbows to hover above Sehun. He kisses him sloppily. Sehun expected nothing more; they're both too tired to try to set any different kind of mood. Sehun slides a hand down the warm plain of Jongin's chest and abs and feels his erection through the loose boxers. Jongin typically wears only tight and accentuating boxer briefs, but he lets things go breezy every once in a while too. He moans into Sehun's mouth and reciprocates.

To Sehun's surprise, Jongin breaks the kiss a few moments later and starts a trail of pecks down his chest, over his sleeping shirt. He pushes the hem up to bare Sehun’s stomach and kiss around his belly button, along his sparse treasure trail. Sehun’s breathing deepens and quickens with every press of Jongin’s full lips until Jongin smiles from between his legs, sleepy but playful. He asks for permission with a nod and Sehun grants it, now at full mast under Jongin’s warm touch. His underwear is carefully discarded and Jongin nudges his legs up and apart for better access. He kisses the smooth skin of his inner thighs.

Sehun trusts him. The first time Jongin decided to try blowing him, he had been hyperaware of his position, his nakedness, Jongin’s inspecting gaze. In reality, Jongin’s gaze wasn’t inspecting but merely curious, somewhat anxious; Sehun realized that once his breathing slowed. He couldn’t bring himself to guide Jongin, though his boyfriend would have liked him to, but Jongin fared – the few videos he had watched had a major contribution, somewhat helpful were his previous sexual encounters too. He licked tentatively, sucked here and there, explored the shaft with genuine curiosity sometimes, admitting that it’s interesting to touch a dick other than yours and that the taste isn’t too bad at all. Sehun laughed soundlessly at that and his smile encouraged Jongin and though he didn’t bring the younger boy to an orgasm with his mouth, it was a good first time for that. Sehun’s mind sorted it in the box of Good experiences.

Jongin is better at giving head now. His gorgeous blowjob lips do wonders for Sehun’s erection. Sometimes, just sometimes, Sehun watches them stretched around his shaft and this time Jongin’s eyes meet his and Jongin smiles again and things are so good and Sehun moans, head dropping back on the pillow.

“Where did you say you were sore?” Jongin sits back on his heels.

“My shins and my feet. But my shins especially.”

Sehun watches with curiosity as Jongin repositions himself, then takes Sehun’s left leg and starts planting soft kisses from the foot to the knee. He repeats that with the other leg, fingers kneading the spots his lips touched and those they missed. Sehun chuckles, pressing his eyes shut, and feels the soreness in his muscles burn pleasantly. With the way his hair is ruffled, fluffy and adorable, and the smile on his lips, he looks divine.

Jongin communicates that by climbing up and capturing his lips in a tender kiss. He huffs into it, performing it again and again until it’s funny and so loving that Sehun stops him, hands on the back of his neck, because he can’t help laughing again. Laughter hums in Jongin’s throat too, his eyes twinkle. They look at each other for some time, so familiar, so close, then Sehun initiates another tender kiss, much slower this time, slowly filling with a passion that has their dicks buzzing again. Sehun finds Jongin’s dick through his fly and aligns it with his after a few strokes, jacking them both off as they pant and moan into each other.

After a particularly continuous moan on Jongin’s part, Sehun pauses and considers the wave of warmth, arousal, need, tingles whooshing through him. He takes a deep breath, kissing Jongin again for encouragement.

“Let’s—“ his whisper is interrupted when they both go for a kiss again, “let’s do it. I’m ready. Let’s do it.”

Jongin breaks the kiss, stilling his hand on Sehun’s chest. His eyes are suddenly glassy with apprehension, studying Sehun vigorously.

“You mean—like, penetration..?”

Sehun blushes whole. Everything is so hot. He nods with a sheepish smile. Jongin doesn’t move. He’s still studying him, blinking, and for a moment Sehun thinks he’s blanked out.

“But. Sehun-ah, are you sure? I don’t know, I don’t want you to do this if you don’t really want it. I mean, you don’t have to. It’s fine.”

Sehun pulls him close. Jongin is so conflicted. As a matter of unspoken reasons, Sehun has to be on the receiving end. At least the first time, this is how it has to be.

“I want,” Sehun whispers. Jongin doesn’t say anything, Jongin is so conflicted. “Unless you don’t want? That’s okay too, I don’t-“

“No, I do, just…”

Jongin studies him still. Something feels off. But Sehun blinks and his smile falters only once, so perhaps it’s just nervousness, he can’t refuse him this.

“You’re sure?”

Sehun nods. Jongin ends the kiss reluctantly. He looks around the dark room, remembers where the condoms are and gets up to get one. Sehun’s hand flies to his forehead while Jongin rummages through the wardrobe.

It’s slightly awkward when he returns. They debate the best position. Jongin finally settles back between his boyfriend’s legs and then they stare at each other. Sehun ushers him,  _let’s get it over with_ , finds the condom and tears the wrapper with shaking hands. He leaves it then, realizing that there’s preparation to be done, and gets the lube instead.

“Do you want me to do this?” he breathes, mentally preparing himself, he really doesn’t want to, he’s done it so many times before, but to have things so—filthy, with Jongin?

“No, no, no,” Jongin sweeps forward suddenly. He kisses Sehun clumsily while taking the lube.

“You have to ah, do it with your fin—“

“I know, I know,” and he kisses him again.

“I’m sorry.”

Sehun follows the routine, spreads his legs, takes deep breaths. What isn’t part of the routine are the soft lips that kiss his own the moment the slick fingers touch his entrance. It makes him tingle whole because it’s Jongin and Jongin’s kisses are always unbelievably gentle and now, it turns out, so are his fingers as they circle the rim and one pushes inside.

Jongin persists, tries to kiss the tension away but Sehun only goes more and more rigid. They’ve both softened at this point and Jongin pauses, thinks, decides to kiss his lover’s neck and whisper in his ear,  _relax, sehunnie, relax, relax, you look so beautiful,_ and it seems to work. It’s key that it’s Jongin and it’s key that he’s calling Sehun by his name and Sehun lets their cheeks touch and relaxes his muscles and breathes until a second finger is pushing in.

“Do you want me to stop? Should I go slower?” Jognin says, but kisses Sehun before he’s had a chance to reply. Sehun nods and exhales and closes his eyes, keeping his hands in the sheets and trying not to imagine the way he looks right now.

Jongin tries to kiss him again while maintaining a broken rhythm of moving his fingers inside of him and although Sehun tries to respond, it’s forced, tense, frantic.

“You need to—another one, two isn’t—“

Jongin obliges. It’s difficult and Sehun does his best not to wince or make any sounds, Jongin’s kisses helping a little. He feels the buzzes of pleasure mingle with the torrents of humiliation and pain. Despite everything, he feels unimaginable surges of affection in every single one of Jongin’s touches and it’s new, consoling. He wants to tell Jongin that the bump he grazes sometimes is his prostate and he should aim for it more.

“Is this okay?”

“You can go ahead. I’m okay,” Sehun chokes out.

Sehun groans internally in embarrassment when he sees that Jongin is trying to get himself properly hard. He helps him and then Jongin slides the tip inside in a single motion. Bracing himself for a wave of pain, Sehun shuts his eyes tightly and inhales deeply, but it doesn’t really hurt all that much, even though everything is so hot and trembling, and then he feels Jongin’s lips again and he tries to latch onto them to survive the slide.

It works well for some time. Jongin doesn’t move, focusing on feeling Sehun’s tongue against his and the tight squeeze around his dick. But when he starts sliding inside of Sehun and breathing heavily from the sheer bliss that is Sehun’s tightness, Sehun closes his eyes again and just feels  _dirty_. Frantically, he pulls the covers over their bodies and tries to make himself small in Jongin’s arms and tries not to feel dirty, but everything is so hot and he is so exposed and he’s being used and it’s beyond him, and he feels  _dirty, dirty little slut, cockhungry faggot with a tight boycunt,_ and he feels a hotness in his eyes and nose and his breathing is ragged. He’s falling apart uncontrollably, the world spinning and Jongin still fucking him, and he’s so embarrassed that he hides his face in the pillow and he thinks he hears himself sob which is even more humiliating, what a mess he is, what a dirty pile of nothing.

Jongin has stopped moving, his fingers on Sehun’s side. He asks, in panic, if he should pull out, but Sehun can’t answer, he doesn’t have the right to answer. Suddenly he’s empty and wet and hot. Jongin is babbling.

Sehun takes a deep breath and sounds become coherent.  _I’m sorry, I’m sorry, im sorry, sehun im so sorry are you okay did I hurt you I didn’t mean to oh god im so sorry sehun,_ Jongin is trying to read his face but Sehun doesn’t deserve this he needs to be alone to take care of himself and go, disappear, he failed and he’s disgusting.

Shifting backwards, Jongin leaves the bed to get something to clean them both with. Sehun protests against the washcloth, but Jongin persists and then apologizes another million times and tries to see something in Sehun that will tell him how this all went so wrong and what he can do to fix it, but Sehun is covering his face and shaking and perhaps the best thing to do is to give him some privacy.

Resentment is the key word for a non-existent feeling both boys fear the other feels. Jongin is slowly realizing that Sehun will come to resent him for trying to do this with him despite knowing about Sehun’s issues. Sehun is certain Jongin officially and fully resents him for not being able to do the one thing partners are supposed to do for each other.

It’s not right. Jongin watches his boyfriend from the edge of his own bed and he knows things are terribly messed up, maybe beyond repair, and he asks himself time after time why in the world he thought it would be a good idea to give in to Sehun’s wish and do it. He’s flushed with guilt because he enjoyed it, because for a moment he let himself get lost in the pleasure of being one with the boy he loves and maybe if he had kept reassuring him, maybe if he’d been more gentle and not so eager to put it in like a horny teenager…

Sehun is crumbling to pieces, Jongin sees it, sees how forlorn Sehun looks and in an instant he’s on his bed again, gathering him in his arms and trying to ignore the suffocating weight of how broken everything is. He holds him in the dark as Sehun sobs. The position is awkward and they’re both still naked and they wish they weren’t, but it’s different for Sehun now, in spite of the fact that he’s nothing, because Jongin isn’t budging.

“Sehun, I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have…I shouldn’t have. I’m sorry. I love you so much. And…yeah, I’m sorry,” he holds him tighter.

Sehun is so embarrassed. His mind exaggerates everything and he pictures what they must have looked like before, like one of those awkward straight couples in arranged marriages who are supposed to have sex but have no experience and everything is lame and awkward and they do it under the covers and are just rutting and it’s disgusting. He doesn’t let Jongin see his face, choking in his damp palms. Everything is broken again.

With great difficulty and contempt, Sehun chokes out, all too aware of his lisp, “I’m disgusting, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry…”

“Nooooooo, no, no, no, you’re not!”Jongin kisses the backs of his palms and tries to nudge them away from his boyfriend’s face. When Sehun only continues shaking his head, Jongin, almost stern, calls his name and pries his hands away. He makes Sehun look him in the eye after their brief struggle and sees the vast misery and softens and kisses Sehun quickly. “I don’t care okay. I mean about what happened, it doesn’t matter to me, all I want is for you to be happy and feel comfortable. You’re not disgusting, don’t say that, I love you.”

Sehun watches him and then seeks out his lips and Jongin is there immediately, kissing him fervently. Sehun absorbs all the reassurance and whimpers into the kiss and is embarrassed again, but Jongin doesn’t let him.

This isn’t a hotel room. Somebody cares. Jongin cares.  _Jongin._  The strength in Jongin’s arms and the warmth of his embrace unleash another wave of sobs.

Everything might or might not be broken again, but Jongin’s arms are around him. And a little later when Jongin still isn’t letting him go, Sehun cards his fingers through the soft black locks and breathes deeply, keeping his mind as empty as possible.

Jongin props himself up on his elbows. His eyes are tired, but alert and fond, “I love you,” he says, then again and again, “I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you,” and he peppers kisses all over Sehun’s face until Sehun giggles tiredly and snuggles in his arms, relishing in this moment which is both sad and happy. Jongin tries to find words, “I want you to know…I just want you to know that I’m okay with this. Sex…is great…but I don’t care about it so much, okay? I’m completely fine with the way we are. Not because you’re—not because I’m not attracted to you or anything like that! I am! I’m—you really drive me crazy sometimes with how hot you are,” he blushes when he sees Sehun’s fond smile at his stuttering, “I just want you to know that sex, I mean, this, you know, is not everything to me. I don’t care. I’m fine just—just sucking you off and doing that kind of things. I’m fine with that. I’m—I just, I’m really, really,  _really_ happy with you.”

Sehun’s eyes are glassy again. He doesn’t say anything, just kisses Jongin hard and buries himself in his chest again. Jongin trails the tips of his fingers down his boyfriend’s back for a long time, up until he becomes aware of how Sehun’s breathing has deepened. He listens to the soothing inhales and exhales for some time after Sehun rolls off of him in his sleep. There is something so special about listening to someone sleep. Jongin is tired and a foul mixture of confusion, guilt and frustration rises inside of him and he becomes aware of how close he is to resenting Sehun, so he takes a step back in the form of a deep breath. In the dark, things can become irrational and twisted.

Sex – though this is much more, a manifestation of powerful love – can only mend so much, and is sometimes far from the right approach.

 

☀ ☀ ☀

Spinning, spinning wildly, that’s what the world’s doing! Ha! Trying to be funny now, aren’t you, world? Trying to be funny again. Well, your sense of humor sucks. So fuck—

Oh, good, everything is in its place again. The can of beer is safe in Chanyeol’s hand and Chanyeol smiles at it dreamily, fondly. He takes another sip, a long, satisfying gulp. He’s quite thirsty actually. Good thing this beer is so cold and good, the unusually warm evening might have been unbearable otherwise.

Oh, hold on now, hold on, Chanyeol. Now, think this through. You are maybe…

…

…maybe? five meters away from a trashcan, possibly fifteen. Now. You can try hard. Hard. To RESTRAIN your bladder. OR. Or, you can turn here. See this wall? Have a good piss onto it. Who cares anymore, Chanyeol?

Who

Oh. Well, maybe? it’s more than five meters but this  _bladder_. Certainly.

Well, this is fun.

Chanyeol’s hand digs into his shorts but forgets where it’s going. Chanyeol rests his head on the wall, body swaying lightly, and takes a few deep breaths, trying not to giggle. Some things are so hard to keep track of when you’re intoxicated. Like that time he got to his dorm and started stripping as soon as he opened the door to his and Baekhyun’s room. Baekhyun had to yell and actually cover him up.

Alright, okay, it’s all good now. Relatively steady, Chanyeol’s hand finds its way around his dick and WHIPS it out majestically. It takes some grunting and pleading with it for the urinating process to start. As a glorious golden stream of piss hits the wall and splatters drops of urine everywhere, Chanyeol hears a car stop on the street behind him. He hopes he isn’t disturbing anybody! My, what a fantastic stream, what a heavenly relief it is to be—

“What do we have here…Oh, he’s decorating the wall!” a voice doubtlessly fitting the definition of ‘annoying’ comes from Chanyeol’s left and a moment later, somebody is leaning on the wall by him.

“Stay—stay away! Stay, I’ll get, I might get pee on you..!” the stream can’t be stopped now, what is this man thinking!

“You better not, buddy! Officer Wu,” the man calls to somebody else and Chanyeol takes his time registering the fact that the man’s clothes are a police uniform, “bring the breathalyzer. This is gonna be interesting!”

There’s something about the man’s smirk that Chanyeol doesn’t like at all, but that’s okay because he can’t really focus right now. The beautiful golden stream dies and Chanyeol tucks himself back in. By the time he’s done and turning around on his wobbly legs, another man has approached.

The moment he sees him, a gasp leaves his mouth and he still can’t focus, but…Woah. In the light of the streetlamp, Chanyeol decides that the other officer’s tall frame is gorgeous and once he takes a good look at his face, he feels as though the breath has been knocked out of his chest on his way up to a land of delight. His uniform fits so well over his lean body, his hair is styled back and perfect. When the officer reaches out to give the annoying dude a weird-looking device, Chanyeol is positive that his hands – with fingers probably longer than hot dogs – are something he wants to feel on top of his head and all over his body.

“Okay, buddy,” the annoying cop is suddenly saying more in his annoying voice and thrusting the weird device in Chanyeol’s face, but Chanyeol is distracted because he remembers that he hasn’t eaten and that the hot officer maybe saw his dick. “—so go on, blow.”

Chanyeol is baffled. Blow? Did he read his mind? Blow what? This is illegal! They can’t force him!

“Hey, come on now, buddy. I’m sure you know how this goes. Put your lips right here and blow.”

Chanyeol’s eyes focus on the device. Oh, isn’t this one of these—

“Hey. Dude,” the hot officer suddenly speaks and his voice is so deep, so wonderful that Chanyeol gasps again. The weird device is again in those big beautiful hands, “come on, you put your lips right here, take a deep breath and blow.”

Who is Chanyeol not to obey? For a long moment he keeps his eyes on the hot cop with the gentle voice and then he takes a deep breath and puts his lips where the hot cop indicated and he blows and his eyes are still on the hot cop.

“Damn, he’s wasted, isn’t he? Oh shit! How are you still up on your feet, buddy?”

And so Chanyeol finds himself being escorted/dragged to the police car, after the two officers identify themselves for him and read him his rights. The hot cop’s grip on his bicep is comforting. Chanyeol spends the night on the cold hard bench of a cell, but he’s so out of it that he only registers how uncomfortable it is when he wakes up a little after the crack of dawn, drool dried on the side of his face.

The hot cop unlocks the cell door and hands Chanyeol water in a plastic cup. Chanyeol’s everything is spinning again, but he still can’t stop staring at the officer and the way he keeps his hands on his belt. A gun is nestled in its holster on the man’s hip.

“Have a good sleep? Let’s get your name and details and you can call somebody to pick you up. Come on, dude, my shift ends in fifteen minutes.”

Shuffling out of the cell after the hot cop, with his head throbbing and his mouth parched, Chanyeol wonders what the hell he got himself into and how somebody could be so hot and so unattainable.

He waits for Baekhyun on a bench by the exit. Baekhyun is supposed to arrive any moment now, when the clicking of boots echoes through the corridor. With great difficulty, Chanyeol raises his head, only to see the hot officer strutting towards him, towards the exit, with a small breathtaking smirk on his face. What’s the point in torturing himself more? He looks down again.

Until the deep voice that vibrates right into Chanyeol’s soul now starts talking again, “Hey,” the hot cop says and he’s handing Chanyeol a card. “If you ever need to be picked up after a late night.”

Before Chanyeol’s had time to think about what the hell is happening, the guy slides aviator sunglasses up his nose, magnifying the levels of his attractiveness hundredfold, and walks out of the building.

 

As it turns out, Chanyeol needs to be picked up after a late night sooner than Officer Wu Yifan (pretty name, isn’t it?) probably expected. They meet in front of the precinct as the sun is setting and the moment they lay eyes on each other, they both pause. For some reason, they’re both dressed in an all-black attire and they both look stunning. They spend a good amount of the evening just ogling each other, but apart from that, it turns out that they have quite a bit to talk about.

Within three hours of seeing Officer Wu Yifan for the second time in his life, Regular Nobody Park Chanyeol is being pushed down on a mattress, a pair of large gentle hands spreading his ass open to give access to an apparently skilled tongue and Chanyeol’s very own groans start bouncing off the walls. By the time the most intense parts are over, it occurs to Chanyeol that he has never been fucked so thoroughly.

Morning comes and Chanyeol is miserable. He can’t believe his luck in actually getting to sleep with someone this hot, but it’s time to go and it’s pretty sad that he won’t get to see the hot cop again. In his sleep, Yifan looks lanky, peaceful and silly at the same time. Chanyeol smiles sadly and pads out of the room. He truly had an amazing time. He has the limp to prove it.

But there’s more to it than that. Yifan’s hands felt marvelous sliding along every dip and curve of Chanyeol’s body. Perhaps he imagined it, but there was even a hint of…affection, reverence in the way Yifan touched him and looked at him. Like he was taking his time to appreciate Chanyeol, like he wasn’t in a hurry to get off. Chanyeol isn’t that big of a romantic, but if he has to give an example of what it means to be a proper lover, the kind they talk about in old movies and books, he’d say Yifan’s name without hesitation – that’s just the vibe the man immediately gave you.

Chanyeol sighs deeply as he picks up his trousers from Yifan’s floor. He really did have a good time. Not just at Yifan’s apartment. Yifan really likes hot dogs too and Yifan has an incredible taste in music and a lamely adorable sense of humor. Is this how it’s going to be from now on for Chanyeol? Getting with a cutie every now and then, for a night or two, then never seeing him again? Maybe that’s what life is supposed to be like for young gay men like him, who aren’t  _that_  forward or that attractive.

He’s re-buttoning his shirt since he buttoned it the wrong way because of being too deep in thought when Yifan’s majestic voice, now raspier as a result of last night, interrupts his stream of consciousness yet again, “You’re leaving already?”

All wide eyes, Chanyeol blinks at him, “Yes. Yeah, I mean…you probably have to get ready for work or something, I don’t want to get in the way. I had—“

“My shift starts at noon. Stay for breakfast.”

Chanyeol is blinking again, confused and distracted by Yifan’s naked torso.

“I don’t wanna get in the way. I—I know how this works, you don’t have to be—I mean, it’s okay, I get it. I had a great time, so thank you for that.”

“You get what?” Yifan reaches a long arm inside a kitchen drawer and retrieves two glasses.

Chanyeol can’t catch a break.

“Well…that this is a one-time thing? That I need to go?”

“What?” Yifan looks genuinely confused too now. “Who said— so you want this to be a one-time thing? One night stand? I didn’t know.”

Chanyeol stares dumbly. Yifan does too, having put down the bottle of juice.

“Listen, I don’t do casual sex. If I sleep with somebody, I stick with them. I’m…I’m sorry if I gave you the wrong impression,” Yifan says after they’ve stared at each other for a good minute.

Good thing Chanyeol is sober this time.

☀ ☀ ☀

Every now and then, when Baekhyun and Jongdae are working together, or discussing the issue of what the world would look like today if megafauna still existed, or gushing about how adorable the chinchillas are, they look up at each other, eyes so bright and happy, and if you’re watching them, you’d say that in those moments they only see each other.

And Baekhyun knows that. He’s known it for some time. It’s one of the first things he comes to terms with regarding the Chen Situation.

One thing which is a painful remnant of Baekhyun’s foul period in regards to his and Chen’s friendship is the fact that Baekhyun still feels disgusting every single time after he cums to notions about Chen’s nakedness. Days upon days, weeks upon weeks, the same recurring daydreams torment and excite him. Visions of Baekhyun trailing his fingers along Jongdae’s jaw, feeling the smooth skin of his neck, his small shoulders, his lean chest…just sliding his fingers along the curves and ridges and dips of Chen’s body, lovingly, sensually, just  _feeling_  Jongdae, his warmth and pureness, just having him so close, all for Baekhyun to feel, take in, love…Chen’s mouth, his soft lips and smoothly shaven chin, Baekhyun wants to kiss them and just feel them and peck them over and over and over again. Often, at night, it’s impossible to get rid of these thoughts and Baekhyun’s heart thuds so hard and fast in his chest as he touches himself that he’s almost scared Chanyeol’s going to hear him. Scared because it’s not normal for him to be having such thoughts. Because Chen is a best friend and Baekhyun is straight and this is just another one of Baekhyun’s stupid caprices.

Except it isn’t. And, gradually, Baekhyun comes to terms with that. The more he lets his gaze linger, the more relief he feels, the more he thinks back to the times after Chanyeol came out, the more it becomes clear to him that he just wants Jongdae. He just wants to be with Jongdae – buying him cute and silly animal-related gifts like that stuffed Sven deer that now rests on Chen’s desk, and working with him every day, and finding new and new ways to bring out that incredible laugh. He just wants his Chen.

How simple it is, really. Chen is a real somebody who Baekhyun is very close to and it just so happens that Baekhyun feels this inexplicably strong attraction to him, the simple desire to be with him.

Once the realization sinks in fully, Baekhyun has little trouble embracing it. The exhaustion he feels over the months of conflict has a big say too. What’s important, nevertheless, is the fact that, now, at night he pumps himself in bed with ease and it’s not dirty or gross anymore.

Just a few days after Baekhyun comes to terms with the explanation of the turmoil which has been tormenting his insides for months upon months now, he’s arranging his and Chanyeol’s textbooks by color and size for a lack of anything better to do. There’s a quick knock on the door.

“Whoooo could it beee, Chanyeol-ssi?” he narrates loudly as he gets up. “Could it be the looove of my life? The One I’ve always been waiting for?”

“Nope, just me,” Chen says, stepping inside once the door opens. If Baekhyun was on a mockumentary show like Modern Family or The Office, he would be looking directly into the camera with a blank expression.

Yeah, sure, he has to figure out what to do probably – as much as he’s enjoying the relief of accepting his crush on Chen, there’s that nagging voice typical to crushes that can hardly be silenced.

Luckily for him, things take a large, unexpected turn soon after his self-confessions.

Because Jongdae, too, can’t really take it any longer. It’s one thing to be crushing on a straight friend and a completely different one to be In love with your best friend, the person you spend most of your time with, the person who shares one of your dearest interests and is the bubbliest, loudest, prettiest somebody you know. Nowadays, Yixing often finds his roommate zoned out with a textbook in his lap or his head between his hands and a most miserable expression on his face.

Every day Jongdae sees Baekhyun in all his glory and his heart squeezes so painfully because love fills him like a merciless balloon. Every night he goes to bed, glad to have the comfort of his blanket protect him, but the longing persists like a deep, cold ache and he finds himself picturing Baekhyun’s warmth next to him.

It’s a little difficult to imagine that two people as easy-going as Jongdae and Baekhyun would be spending so much time and strain on something like this. Any other matter of such importance would be solved using the formula

  1. _identify the nature of the issue roughly_
  2. _examine solutions that first come to mind_
  3. _choose relatively easiest though still adequate one_
  4. _be obnoxious and/or funny about it;_



And yet here’s Jongdae, looking adorable and a tad disheveled in his uniform, repeatedly poking the edge of a fry into the ketchup on the side of his plate, wishing he could be vaporized so he wouldn’t have to listen to Baekhyun’s entirely too cute unceasing gasps.

When the universe doesn’t grant him that, he finds himself licking the salt off his fingers and throwing an arm around Baekhyun’s shoulders like it’s the most natural thing in the world.

“Just watch him,” Baekhyun flashes a smile and Jongdae stops himself from sliding his fingers over to his friend’s neck.

They’re by the tiger’s enclosure, sitting under the shade in the viewing booth. Bobo, the zoo’s oldest tiger, is giving a show lying on the ground right behind the glass with a massive bone between his paws. There aren’t many visitors on a Wednesday afternoon, so the two enjoy the scene in the comfort of each other’s excited presence.

“He’s so cute,” Jongdae notes, observing the way Bobo’s lips bunch up as he pries some meat remnants from the bone. “I wish I could touch him.”

“Ah, me too. His fur looks so soft…”

Bobo draws his tongue up the length of the bone several times, then fits the upper end between his teeth again. Several cracks follow as the tiger’s powerful jaws smash the bone. He chews for some time, then licks away the bone marrow, before beginning to gnaw on the bone once more. The muscles on his whole head seem to move with some of the bites, and his lips fold adorably. Every now and then he lifts his whole body off the ground in an attempt to pin the bone better as his jaws shatter it. By the time he is done, there will be only a few dry pieces of gray bone and Bobo’s muzzle and paws will be covered in blood in a testament to the majesty of one of the Earth’s greatest apex predators.

Jongdae wishes he could be enjoying the spectacle as much as Baekhyun. But after the pathetic orgasm he had this morning – trying not to think about Baekhyun’s shins and smirk and still returning to the memory of the ass he’s seen in the changing rooms so often, trying to focus on his arousal but instead being overwhelmed by his yearning to be with Baekhyun – and with Baekhyun being so touchy-feely, so earnest, so gorgeous, the balloon of love in his chest is suffocating, putting a lump in his throat and

and he can’t do this any longer. He needs to free himself of this endless longing, for his own and for Baekhyun’s sake.

And so a decision is taken by the tiger’s enclosure and history is made by the polar bears’ pool.

 

The way it happens is beautiful and unexpected, for both parties. It is a deceivingly sunny Tuesday that should be closing April and opening the door to May’s warmth, but the sharp wind betrays its true intentions. Jongdae sets the empty bucket down by the bench with a sigh so deep it could probably start a tsunami.

“Baek,” he calls out, sparing himself the sight of Baekhyun bending to pick up his keys, “come sit here.”

He’s had enough. It’s not just the fact that Baekhyun made him touch his hair this morning to make sure it’s still as soft as “the hay a king’s donkeys must eat” (whatever that means), or the cinema tickets, paid for by Baekhyun, which now reside in Jongdae’s wallet and remind him of the Saturday they went to see “How To Train Your Dragon 2” together. Today, Baekhyun is wearing a shirt which is a size too small for him because he forgot to iron his and a colleague had to lend him one. And, frankly, Jongdae’s had  _just_  enough.

His whole body is electrified with apprehension, his thoughts racing and leaping over one another and tripping and smacking into each other.

Baekhyun situates his ass much closer to Jongdae than would be deemed appropriate and sighs, puffing out his cheeks. He doesn’t seem to be expecting Jongdae to say something, so Jongdae takes his time focusing on the curve of his friend’s lips, the unique shade of pink.

Jongdae takes a shaky breath, “Listen, Baek, I’ve got this thing to tell you. Don’t freak out, I just need to get it out...” Each word is charged with more pain than the previous, his nervousness bleeding into the tremble of his voice. What’s there to be so nervous about? Why on Earth are his fingers shaking? He’s not looking at Baekhyun anymore, instead training his eyes on Jolie, one of the polar bears, who is wobbling towards the pool. “I just need to tell you and I hope it just solves everything and we don’t have to talk about this ever again. I—Here it goes, I think I’m in love with you. And I don’t want to bother you with this, I really…value our friendship, you mean a lot to me and I don’t want to freak you out and bother you with this. I know you’re straight, so…I just want to put it out there, I wanna get it off my chest and just…just be done with it.”

How is one supposed to feel after he’s confessed to his straight best friend he is in love with him? Because Jongdae feels like his windpipe is suddenly a lot narrower and his hands are dripping with sweat – this doesn’t seem like a reaction to getting something off your chest. His breathing speeds up and he is on the verge of hyperventilating when Baekhyun finally reacts.

He had been staring with the most shocked of expressions, still as a rock. It was like the whole process he’d been through – feeling and repressing and suffering and embracing and nurturing – finally makes sense, finally breaks open as though all its latches have been unlocked and things are clear now. What makes sense? What is this new thing that finally makes things click? Baekhyun has no idea because he  _never_ suspected Chen felt this way. He never thought Chen shared those feelings.

Baekhyun’s eyes shift and his face softens and he finally  _sees_  Jongdae. And Jongdae is all but shaking, strained and apprehensive and even more confused now that Baekhyun is smiling. Baekhyun shifts, turns sideways and straddles the bench and inches closer to Jongdae and Jongdae wants to run, but how could he? Baekhyun reaches for his hand and holds it warmly and gives his Chen the most earnest of smiles and then leans in and fits their lips together. He kisses Jongdae so softly, like he’s wanted to do it all along.

Jongdae is still at first, for the length of a small eternity, but then he melts into the kiss like he could stay in it forever. Baekhyun pulls away gently, but doesn’t move too far, still smiling in that radiant way.

Eyes wide, Jongdae is more baffled than ever. Baekhyun breaks the silence and laughs embarrassedly and buries his face in his hands, shaking his head. Jongdae’s lips are burning and Baekhyun himself can still feel a tingle in his jaw.

“God, Jongdae, I’ve always been so in love with you…” he says in his hands and Jongdae closes his mouth and still looks like a frightened and perplexed kitten. “I just didn’t know it…I couldn’t admit it to myself. I was just really confused by the whole thing cause, like…Chanyeol’s always been the gay one! You know?” he turns to Jongdae with an open expression, but he’s not really asking. It’s his turn to get things off his chest. “I’ve always liked girls. But…I don’t know, I’ve been thinking a lot and I promised myself that I’d be one-hundred-percent honest with myself, so… I realized I kind of had a crush on Chanyeol when we were little,” he confesses quietly and then laughs again. “It was so natural, we were inseparable. And I think that, like, I was really jealous when he came out cause that meant he could be with other boys— with other guys the way he was with me. I’m over that now, of course, but… I mean, does it make sense?”

Baekhyun doesn’t try to see if it does. Jongdae’s face is a dynamic mixture of confusion and empathy and endearment, dominated by that scared kitten look. Baekhyun’s eyes flick over his body, admire how snug his uniform is all over.

“So I just never let it enter my mind that I might like guys. I don’t know. I’m still confused about it, but…God, Jongdae, I’ve wanted this for so long, I was so scared!” He’s breathless when he presses his lips to Jongdae’s again. Jongdae whimpers and kisses him back as best as he can, but then it’s over and Baekhyun stares at his hands again. His ears are a flaming red.

Jongdae wants to say something, but no words come out. His whole face isn’t doing any better than Baekhyun’s ears. He’s so confused and relieved and…happy? But also a bit numb? It’s all so much that he feels like he needs to pee.

He stares at the polar bears for a while, and Baekhyun can’t tell if he really sees them. His face is still an open mess. Baekhyun’s eyes slide down to his neck and the collar of his shirt. Somehow he can’t fully comprehend what Jongdae’s words mean. Does what just happened mean that he is allowed to leer at Jongdae’s uniform-clad body for hours? Place a hand on the tight chest? Feel his way down to the fantastic thighs? Maybe even unbutton the buttons of the shirt and watch it hang open on Jongdae’s gorgeous frame?

“So are we…” Jongdae begins, but then he really doesn’t know how to continue through the tornado of different expressions spinning in his mind. He swallows and his Adam’s apple bobs and Baekhyun follows it with his eyes before raising them to meet Chen’s gaze. Chen blushes even more.

“Are we what, Chen-ah? Meant to be? Destiny?” Baekhyun laughs a little, but doesn’t try to hide the fact that he is also at a loss, that he too can hardly believe what is happening.

“Do you really…like me? I mean,  _really_?” Jongdae does his best to express his disbelief. Baekhyun does the most Baekhyun thing he’s capable of and fits their lips together again. They kiss time after time and Baekhyun’s hand is on Chen’s thigh as he opens his mouth a little to let their tongues meet. People pass by, but they’re lost in their kiss, even though it could cost them their jobs.

By the time they part, Jongdae’s hand has found its way in Baekhyun’s hair.

Baekhyun’s eyes linger on Chen’s shiny red lips, “Kissing a guy is different. Or maybe just kissing you.”

Jongdae pulls away a little, “In a bad way…?”

Baekhyun shrugs, “It’s phenomenal.”

They don’t have much time left for slacking off, but Jongdae feels glued to the bench. Minutes pass in comfortable silence and their hands find each other, their fingers interlock.

Jongdae finally voices his thoughts, “Are we…gonna be like Jongin and Sehun?” It’s an awkward question, a way for Jongdae to get past his confusion and ask what the hell they are going to do with those bombshell confessions.

“Are we? Don’t you still want to get rid of your feelings? Do you wanna be like them? I’d…like to,” Baekhyun grins awkwardly.

“Will you want to keep it a secret?” Jongdae really hopes the answer is negative, though something tells him he would probably go along with a positive one too. Not that his mind can really comprehend what he’d be going along, not right now at least.

“Well…I don’t really know how- I mean, I’m kinda new to this,” the black haired boy laughs. “I hope…Can we maybe take it slow? I don’t want to hide, you…you deserve better than that, but perhaps we can go slow and see what—what works for us?”

Jongdae nods, his face showing his appreciation for Baekhyun’s words. His eyes dart to the boy’s lips and he really,  _really_ wants to kiss them, but—

“It’s okay,” Baekhyun says before kissing him.

They are interrupted by the cracking coming from Jongdae’s walkie-talkie and they both jump apart lamely. One of their supervisors lets them know that they’re needed at the flamingoes, so they stiffly get up and fumble with their buckets.

“So! When are we gonna have lots of gay sex?” Baekhyun asks the real questions.

“Oh my god…” Jongdae mumbles, flustered, and heads down the path towards the flamingoes. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Right! I know it's been forever and I am so sorry! Trust me, I have not forgotten this story and I was working on it quite often. It's just that college tends to take over your whole life and...yeah. Anyway! This is not the end!

**Author's Note:**

> Also, I've never been to the Seoul zoo and although I looked at some maps, I decided not to stick to the real life locations and such for the purposes of better descriptions. I truly hope you enjoyed this!


End file.
